I have seen the way our world will end. I have literally stood on the edge of the Apocalypse and it shook my very soul.
An ice storm ripped through the region over the last few days resulting in massive wide-spread power loss. Trees fell over power lines, basements flooded and the temperature plummeted. You would think that this would be a time for people to come together in the spirit of humankind but you would be wrong.
Nope, our world will not be ended by nuclear war, environmental disaster or the rise of the undead. No, our world will end with people standing in line for coffee at Tim Horton’s.
I have never seen a more shuffling mass of zombies who would easily bite the skin off your face for no other reason than you stepped around them to use the bathroom while your kid help your place in line for you than I did today. I watched people sucking down that liquid cocaine with the same passion zombies devoured brains in any Romero movie ever created. People can go without the basic necessities of cleanliness or personal hygiene as long as they can guzzle java.
Imagine a world without coffee. Temper tantrums over cutting someone off in the drive through would lead to fist fights. These scuffles would lead to police being called. Police without coffee and donuts would lead to mass shootings. Mass shootings would lead roving bands of civilian militia taking the law into their own hands and hoarding the last few coffee beans and SWAT teams fighting them to the bitter end.
Governments would mobilize the military to retrieve the last few dregs of coffee leading to a full-scale revolution. Columbia and Brazil would shut down their borders causing the American government to “liberate” their people in an effort to hide the fact they are simply pimp slapping someone else for something they need the same way Dick Cheney back-handed the Middle East. Every remaining country would launch whatever assault they could muster at the U.S. leading to total global war for control over the remaining canisters of Folgers.
Volcanoes would erupt blanketing the earth in dust that most people would eventually try to brew into a drink . The skies would open up and rain frogs and used condoms. The seas would turn the color and texture of Taco Bell induced diarrhea giving the sharks no choice but to build breathing devices out of Puffer fish and sea cucumbers. The last remaining humans would be fighting a war against land sharks intent on snapping them with condoms full of old jism and frog farts. That’s when the caffeine zombies would rise. Yes, we never had a chance.
I know now the world will not end with either a bang nor a whimper. No, it will end with some four hundred pound woman in her pyjama pants being seven hundredth in line screaming
” I BETTER GET AN EXTRA LARGE DOUBLE-DOUBLE BEFORE I START CUTTING SOMEONE!!!!!”