The Top of the Food Chain Story

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” I had the weirdest dream last night”

The voice over my shoulder had that sad refrain of the sleepless.  The morning fog had just begun to lift off the roads and as we rolled out of the mist towards the job site , everyone paused in their own quiet way to wait for the inevitable follow-up to statement now hanging in the air.

When you hire young guys, fresh out of high school, you generally expect some level of naiveté but sometimes it surpasses even my expectations.  I had hired Moose on the recommendation of another employee and the kid showed up just as advertised. Big. Strong. Young. Quite literally Moose right out of Riverdale in an “Archie’s” comic book. A huge grin never seemed to leave his face no matter how rough the job or what I asked him to do.  His only real issue was how gullible he is.

I could throw my stern boss voice on at any point in time and convince him that they actually sold orange and black striped paint or that I had jumped off a three-story building and survived when really I had simply climbed down a television tower when he wasn’t looking.  Needless to say, I was having fun proving that youth was not wasted on the young. The young simply exist for the amusement of those of us seasoned enough to recognize their stupidity.

” Must have been pretty bad if you are still shaken up,” I said in that I’m not really listening but you are literally over my shoulder speaking so close to my ear it entered my brain before I actually understood it way I have when I just want to get my coffee into me as quickly as I possibly can without scalding my throat.

” It was terrible,” Moose said, a haunted tone in his voice actually causing the skin on my neck to prickle a little but it may also have been the fact he was practically breathing down my neck.

” You might think this is weird but I dreamed that a massive tidal wave was rising out off the coast and was going to cover the entire country in water,” Moose continued ” And all I wanted was to get my sisters from school so they didn’t drown.”

A normal human being would have seen this as a shaken kid who had a nightmare and take pity on him.

” How tall was that wave then?,” I asked ” If it was off the coast of Canada it would have had to been over a thousand miles tall to reach us.”

” Can waves get that high?,” Moose responded tremulously, his voice actually wavering.

” Absolutely,” I replied ” Did you see that movie ” The Perfect Storm”? That wave was like ten miles high and all it did was sink a boat. Imagine if it had been higher.”

” I want to be able to sleep tonite ,” Moose said with a chuckle that he was using to brush off what seemed like genuine concern ” The worst part of the dream was the fact that the closer I got to the school, the deeper the puddles got until the streets were full of water and I couldn’t get there.”

I am no dream analyst but clearly the fact his family lived over two hours away and he was basically just a child was effecting him in ways his brain wasn’t coping with. I should have just let it drop but if you know anything about me you know that wasnt going to happen.

” If the wave hadn’t hit yet, why were the puddles so deep?” I asked just to see the puzzlement wash over his face. It was like an artist looking at a blank canvas.

” I don’t really know ,” Moose replied as he ran a hand over his sleep deprived face,” I was just worried about the fish.”

I actually think I hit the brakes on the truck as my feet involuntarily kicked out while I nearly doubled over in laughter.

” There were fish in the puddles?,” I asked between coughing fits of laughter.

” Oh God yeah, but imagine what it would be like if the whole world was just covered in water….,” Moose continued.

” For one thing, we certainly wouldn’t be the top of the food chain,” I replied back trying to get myself under control.

” Imagine how many people would get eaten by sharks then,” Moose said trying to now make light of the whole scenario as grave look set even deeper into his eyes.

” Oh, it wouldn’t just be sharks at that point,” I countered,” Pretty much any fish in the water would become predatory if the whole world was covered in water.”

” Really?,” Moose asked , his voice nearly a whisper. I wasn’t about to try to explain ecology or natural selection or the balance of species to a kid who had spent a generous portion of the previous day trying to figure out why the three pulled pork sandwiches he had powered down for breakfast resulted in explosive diarrhea but I couldn’t let this go.

” We would be the bottom of the food chain, I mean based on the size of you I bet you swim like a sumo wrestler in water wings. Every fish in the sea would take a bite out of you,” I said in as grave a tone I could manage without actually peeing my pants laughing.

” Have you ever eaten at the Mandarin restaurant?,” Moose asked. The sudden shift caught me off guard and I tried to figure out where he was headed with this quick left turn.

” No,” I answered” Is it any good?”

” They have these giant aquariums full of fish in there and I mostly only eat sushi when I go,” Moose replied ” I don’t think I will ever be able to eat there again in case the fish saw me and decided that they wanted revenge when my dream comes true.”

The Award Winning Story Part 5

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Like all great franchises, destiny often brings them together. Godzilla versus King Kong, Freddy versus Jason, my tight white Adidas shorts versus the Tower of Power burger at the Patty Shack eventually two great things will meet and create a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of perfection.

The ridiculously talented and funny author of  Ah dad…. and the sexy as fuck yet still informative Political Vagina have conspired together to bestow upon me the honor of another Liebster Award.

I am going to take a second here and editorialize briefly on a trend I have noticed. I have read a few posts from bloggers who whine and kick their feet about receiving the accolades of their fellow bloggers. Currently there are over five hundred thousand blogs either created through or linked through WordPress ( the finest blogging tool on the entire internet, wink wink,nudge nudge, please put me on the Freshly Pressed page cause I have written my ass off the last little while and I have been saving a very special blog post for the day it happens) and I have seen a few instances when bloggers have turned down awards and recognition from their fellow bloggers.

While I respect their decision to do so, I also believe its respectful of the people who have chosen you above how many others to recognize. Add in the fact I am an egomaniacal attention whore of the highest order ( explains why I want on Freshly Pressed that bad) and I simply can’t turn them down. The award I am truly after is this one anyway –

Blogger I'd Like to Fuck award BILF from accordingtojewels

But somehow based on the appearance of the blogger in the award, I don’t think I qualify.

So I am going to do something completely unheard of and accept both awards at once and answer not eleven but twenty-two questions posed at me by both bloggers and then ask eleven of my own.

Get ready, its gonna be an epic shit storm of literary verbosity

So the rules of accepting this honor are as follows  –

When you get a Liebster Award nomination, you can choose to accept it by doing these things:

1. Share 11 facts about yourself.

2. Answer 11 questions posed by your nominator

3. Nominate 11 bloggers and pose the same 11 questions to them.

Anyone who has read my blog for a while basically already knows everything about me so the eleven facts I have decided to share eleven new words you can all add to your vocabulary and use in everyday life

1.  After dropping a massive crunch derived from too much Taco Bell, spraying the bathroom with an entire bottle of Febreeze does not clear up the odor , it simply creates a new smell called ” Shitrus”.

2. People that hang around you unnecessarily , like just hovering around the outside of your vision shall henceforth be known as ” Twatacopters”.

3. We all have ideas that seem like a great thing at first. Like that girl you met at the bar that thinks your name is “Ryan” or a blowjob from someone with no teeth. These things can all be defined as ” Sluttastic”.

4. In every porno ever made there is one girl with a vagina that looks like a pterodactyl trying to lay an egg but the bird reference is over done so I have decided to call it a ” canoe full of moose meat”.

5. I have also invented a new game called ” Cockaboo”. It basically involves dropping your pants and exposing your junk to someone as they enter a room but you must yell ” COCKABOO!!!!” as they enter.

6. Anyone who has ever had to poop really bad and couldn’t just say it when someone asks whats wrong now can make a hand gesture called the ” awkward turtle” which is basically your hands stacked on top of each other and curling your thumbs up like a turtle poking its head out thus signifying to the person asking that you actually have something poking out. And it ain’t a turtle.

7. As most smells are directed in through the nose and out through the ass, hence forth it shall be known as someones ” flavor hole”

8.  Sometimes you don’t know if you want sex or a snack. This leaves you in a state known as ” horngry”. My advice is have the sex then suck back a Mars bar. The chocolate isn’t going anywhere.

9. This ones not one I came up with but its a new favorite. ” Heteroflexible” is a new word basically meaning that you’re straight…….but shit happens.

10. Working with a team of guys actually creates something called a “fartnado”. That’s a condition when everybody farts in sequence producing a swirling mass of synergistic stench. It’s also created when more than three girls go to the bathroom at the same time. Yes girls, we all now you shit. Deal with it.

11.  Going “commando” covers a lot of ground for both sexes but isn’t really classy. Guys use ” free balling”, girls you may now feel free to say you are ” free lipping”.

So the questions I have been posed by Ah….Dad are as follows –

1. Where do you live?  Be specific. (Stalker in training) –  I live in a small town between Toronto and Kingston in Southern Ontario, Canada. Stop at the On the Run and ask them about the guy who got pulled over by the cops for losing a trailer load of roof insulation and then tried to convince them it wasn’t an industrial product but was instead mattresses for the military base. They will likely laugh and give you my business card.

2. I-pad or Samsung Tablet?  – Neither. When the machines rise up against us they will start with my Iphone and every Ipad on the planet showing nothing but cat memes to drive us all mad with rage until we start killing each other just for something new to look at.

3. Who is your favourite author? Stephanie Meyer. Yeah, that’s right. The Twilight author. She is the benchmark for all completely untalented authors who can appeal to the pre ” Fifty Shades” market of repressed soccer moms looking for something to masturbate to. If only we could all be so lucky.

4.  What is the last album you bought? Motley Crue – ” Saints of Los Angeles”. Proof that the entire grunge era of music was forced on all of us.

5. What is the worst song ever recorded? ” Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears. I can’t seem to get that song out of my brain and the next thing I know, I find myself trying to convince my team of guys that we really could pull off the choreography in the school gym if we had the balls to break in.

6. No hair or grey hair? I am completely and totally bald. Make of that what you will.

7. If you could fly like Peter Pan with pixie dust, what would your happy thought be? My happy thought would be the fact that pixie dust looks exactly like stripper dust.

8. Have you ever been in a fight/brawl in a public place? Does arguing with a homeless woman over which of us could get paid more for sex with a bus load of Asian tourists count? Then yes, definitely.

9. Why do you write? I write because if I kept all of this stuff bottled up inside me I actually think my head would blow off……… and to hopefully get noticed and eventually get paid for this shit. Oh fuck off, you all were thinking the same thing.

10. You are stuck alone on an Island, and while exploring you find a wooden house.  Who would you like to see opening the door?  There is only one answer to this question. My dad. He’s been gone eight years and I just want to see the look on his face when I tell him he was right about pretty much everything. What? You expected nothing but comedy? I do have a soul.

11. You have enough money to create an authentic costume, and you have the body to pull of anything.  Which character/thing would you choose to dress up as, for your next Halloween party?  Chewbacca. That way when I say things like ” Your girlfriend felt my fuzzy balls by the crab dip” people will have no idea what I am saying and I can just laugh and laugh.

Now, the questions from Political Vagina

1. What musical artist are you listening to these days? Skid Row’s new album ” Kings of Demolition”. I cannot recommend it any higher if you want to feel like you are a fourteen year old boy. I said feel like not feel a fourteen year old boy. Sinners.

2. If you could be any animal, what would you be? Why? Butterfly. Nobody ever suspects the butterfly…….

3. If you had a time machine, what time period would you go to? Turn of the century North America where I could change the future by introducing the world to velcro and vibrators.

4. Favorite Food? Sushi. It’s the only food that has the consistency of vagina.

5. If $$ were no object, where would you travel on your next vacation? Uranus. Just for all the wicked puns I could drop when I got back. ” Hey Jack, how was the trip?” ” Pretty shitty, I spent the entire weekend buried up to my neck in Uranus.”

6. How do you like your eggs? –  Ovarian. Give it a minute. You’ll get it.

7. Favorite Reality TV Show? Maury Povich. The real life drama of finding out that Deshawn was the father of Loquisha’s six child had me glued to the television. ” Bitch, I fuckin told you I ain’t yo baby daddy!!!!!”. Riveting.

8. What was your very first job? Cutting asparagus on the farm just up the road from where I grew up. I think they use it as punishment for shoplifting now.

9. What book is on your nightstand right now? Peter Brett’s ” The Daylight War”. An honor to meet the man and pick his brain about writing pushed me away from writing horror and writing the stories about my penis you all seem to love. The stories, not the penis.

10. What’s your guilty pleasure?  – Masturbating to senior citizen porn. I finish and then I just feel guilty about how disgusting I am.

11. At what age is your earliest memory? I guess I would have to say I would have been about three years old standing on the front seat of my dad’s truck making the tire squealing noise every time we went around a corner. Wait. What the fuck was I doing standing on the seat?

Now, I have some questions of the lucky few I have selected for this extra special double long award-winning post –

1.  Would rather wake up naked and sore with no memory next to the Burger King telling you ” you had it your way” or next to Ronald McDonald telling you ” you’re loving it”?

2. Would you rather have sandpaper hands or no genitals?

3. Would you rather wear someone else’s dirty underwear or use someone else’s toothbrush?

4.  Would you rather be sexually attracted to fruit or have Cheetos dust permanently stuck to your fingers?

5. Would you rather wear have to wear adult diapers for one year or have any computer you touch over the next two months crash?

6. Would you accept a life as a successful artist making 4 times your current annual pay if it meant that your art was considered offensive by one of the worlds major religions making you unwelcome in many countries and attracting unwelcome, often hostile, attention from people in your own county?

7. Would you rather be riding coach on a trans-continental flight caught between a fighting couple or have a bee sting you on the face?

8. Would you rather vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code or during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?

9. Would you rather have the ability to know when someone is lying to you (only works if that person is talking to you directly, and you only know that he’s lying – you don’t know the exact truth) OR have the ability to know anyone’s sexual preferences and deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, as long as this person is in your line of sight?

10. Would you rather sing everything you say or only be able to speak in rhymes?

11. Would you rather eat a chocolate egg full of mayonnaise or lick a lollipop with a hair on it?

I pose these questions to my lucky Liebster Nominees

Impossible to Predict

The White Onion

Frugal Feeding

Amazing Lucidity

It’s Not My Fault

Following Funny

In Harmony

Yeah, I know that’s only seven blogs but I really don’t want to subject that many bloggers to the hell that is my sense of humor. Find and follow these blogs if you aren’t already.

Well, that was a marathon and one I might not run again but I am glad I did. I love the attention so keep it coming. Anybody looking to drop an award on someone, send that fucker this way. I am more than happy to put it upon the shelf in a place of honor and then merciless fuck it like a prison gang rape.

 

The Vagina Dentata Story

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When you live in a small rural community, encounters with wildlife are as common place as first cousins being each others first kisses and people putting ketchup on steak.  I have personally hit more birds, squirrels, raccoons and deer than should be possible so to have a customer call with the sounds of a wild animal scratching around in their attic, it isn’t really shocking.

A short distance down the road from our office is a large dairy farm that has long, low storage barns. Based on the sounds coming out of there at night I actually think that the place is the site Noah’s Ark crashed and the animals are still trapped inside it. The howling groans and fits of barking are enough to keep most people at a safe distance. Its nothing to see one of the farm dogs chewing on something long dead but then again I saw one of them dragging around a truck tire like a tennis ball.

As soon as I pulled into the driveway, the farmer’s wife Daisy, waved from the front porch and motioned that the problem was in the house. I hopped from the truck only to be met be her two massive German Shepard’s. They were lovable in the same way a bear cub is but I really didn’t want to take the chance of having them chew off one of my limbs so I patted them both politely and headed up to the door.

Daisy looked just like you would expect a farmer’s wife to look if that farmer married a biker chick that he had found sitting on the side of the road after she had been dumped there by what ever truck driver she had been blowing for a ride kicked her out of the truck for using too much teeth. Her blonde hair was pulled back into an orange bandana that matched her midriff baring ,Harley Davidson black and orange t-shirt. She smiled when she saw me, that predatory, take a bite out of you smile that some women have that usually means you are about to be ridden like the Octopus at the fair and I laughed. It may have been charming had she had all her teeth in.

” What’s going on, Daisy?”, I asked as I mounted the handful of stairs up to the long low front porch. The handrail looked as if the dogs had used it to see which one of them could sink their teeth deeper into a mans testicles so I looked away quickly and instinctively lowered a hand to cover my crotch.

” I can’t be sure but I think something is scratching around in the attic,” Daisy answered as she tossed her head towards the stairway that lead up to the attic access door. The unfinished wood floor squeaked with every step as we made our way across the large country kitchen. The decor always made me laugh as it could only be classified as renegade farmer. Harley Davidson mixed with John Deere with a dash of Wiser’s Deluxe on every surface imaginable.

” I’ve got a flashlight,” Daisy said as I set up the small step-ladder her husband had left just below the trap door. I reached for the door just as a small set of feet scurried across the ceiling.

” Why the fuck am I even contemplating this?,” I thought to myself as the sound continued furtively around the space above us.

” Whatever it is , we gotta get it out of there,” Daisy said resignedly as she gently pushed me back up the ladder. I didn’t think there was any ” we” involved in this scenario but I continued on. Hero complex. Unavoidable as gravity.

I gently pushed the hatch up into the space only to have a shower of dust and what may have been the hair from the Sasquatch I was sure was living up there coat my head and arms. I poked my head up into the hole and reached down for the flashlight. As I stood waist-high in the attic space, I shone the light in a wide arc over the insulation and cobweb coated beams. Dust motes hung in the still air like snow flakes on a black wool glove.

” Maybe whatever it was went back out the way it got in,” I said as I turned to Daisy. The flashlight beam traced across the darkness to illuminate a set of blazing eyes that covered the distance between the far wall and the hatch in the time it took my balls to jump up into my throat making me feel like a bullfrog about to croak. Claws latched into my arm as teeth slashed at my outstretched hand. With a lurching heave, I tried to dislodge the teeth only to have them sink deeper into my wrist.

I dropped down off the ladder only to have a large orange and white tabby cat instantly release my shredded skin from its jaws. Blood dripped down my hand in haphazard spatters and I pulled off my shirt to wrap my oozing wounds. Daisy watched as the cat bolted down the stairs and out the wide swing front door.

” Fuckin barn cats,” Daisy muttered as I headed down the stairs to wash the blood off in the kitchen. She leaned over my shoulder to check on me and we both stared at some very superficial scratches that were already beginning to stop bleeding.

” Afraid of a little pussy?” Daisy laughed as I finally started to catch my breath.

Before I could stop myself I jumped in with both feet.

” If pussy had teeth like that I would be getting a rainbow flag tramp stamp on my lower back and sucking dick by the end of the day ,” I said as I headed back outside.

Interlude – Teaser

Generally, I don’t or wouldn’t post a teaser trailer for a post but I got a phone call yesterday that not only perked up a single eyebrow and then clap my hands while stamping my feet like a school girl.

This, I simply couldn’t keep to myself.

Photo (1)

Photo (3)

Photo (2)

IT’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK !!!!!!!!!!

Get ready.

The Last Square Story

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Anyone who has ever worked construction or had a door to door sales job or been on a long road trip knows, finding someplace half decent to poop is a nightmare. Not every customer is happy to let you into their home to drop a Big Crunch in their only toilet after filling up on Gatorade and Red Bull all day. That unfortunately leaves most of us with public bathrooms. Shudder.

The spring had been dragging on and the cool days gave way to a massive heat wave. The temperature had been steadily rising and culminated in a skin blistering day of sun that stung any exposed flesh in seconds of exposure. We were working on a large roof and the black surface only seemed to amplify the waves of shimmering heat rippling off its surface. I was sucking down fluids as fast as my esophagus would allow to stave of dehydration when my stomach inevitably revolted. In the wrong direction.

With a groaning blurble, I felt my insides drop and settle directly in my lower intestines. My ass cheeks clamped shut like a reverse chastity belt and I stood straight up with my legs locked together. With a groan, I shuffle stepped like a speed walker with a met addiction towards the ladder. It’s next to impossible to climb down a ladder with your legs welded together and your ass threatening to prolapse your intestines like the world’s smelliest jump rope but by simply using your hands and sliding your feet off each rung of the ladder, gravity does most of the work.

I drove my truck as fast as it would possibly go towards the only place I could think of that might have a bathroom, a convenience store that doubled as the areas tourism office. Yes, you read that right. Mercifully, its one of the few places I know of that has a portapotty outside that is at least mildly clean. As I pulled into the parking lot, my stomach let out a rumble that sounded like the space shuttle launch. As I lurked from the truck vainly holding my cupped hand over my clenched ass I noticed in horror a family racing me and beating me to the turquoise blue shed that was the only salvation for my underwear.  A young father raced ahead of me holding a young boy away from him like the world’s shittiest pinata and slammed the door shut literally in my face.

I hopped from foot to foot as I listened to the boy unleash a stream of urine that would have put out a forest fire. Had I not been fighting to keep my guts from exploding down my legs I would have been impressed. The door opened shortly there after and I shoved my way inside only to see urine dripping off every surface imaginable in there. My brain caught up with me for a second and I found myself wondering what magic trick the dad had pulled as both he and the kid had not a drop on them when they exited.

I have put my ass on a lot of bad spots but there was no way I was sitting in some kids pee so I bolted for the door like Usain Bolt if he was about to shit his pants. I crashed through the door and frantically looked around for any door that might be the bathroom. Not seeing it, I dashed for the counter and asked the clerk.

” Bathrooms for customers only,” was the reply from a snide older woman with dark tinted glasses and a voice that sounded like she had gargled semen while chain-smoking cigars. I grabbed the first chocolate bar I found in front of the counter and threw  a five dollar bill at her as she directed me to a door between the coolers and porn movies. I flew across the store faster than I would have thought possible and jumped out of my pants in mid-flight towards the toilet. I exploded in a fashion that would have done Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber proud. I couldn’t believe it when I looked to my right and saw a roll of toilet paper with one measly square of toilet paper left on it.

” You gotta be kidding me,” I groaned as I looked around in fright. I hitched up my pants and pulled the seat of my pants away from my ass before hobble walking bow-legged out of the bathroom to ask the store clerk if they had anymore toilet paper. With a cackle she said there was lots on the shelf in front of me. I grabbed a package and headed back towards the bathroom when she yelled –

” You gotta pay for that!!!”

Turning bruskly, I stomped over to the cash register and laid another five dollar bill on the counter before heading back to the bathroom. I took my pants completely off and proceeded to clean myself up. I ended up with a leg up on the sink inspecting my ass in a yoga position that could likely be called the ” loose meat leafblower”. Satisfied, I headed back out to scream at the clerk when I stopped. There was no reason that anyone else should suffer in the store the way I did. I grabbed every package of toilet paper they had and walked to the counter. With a laugh, I paid for every roll of toilet paper in the store and walked outside. Now, I could cover the entire potapotty in an inch thick layer of paper before ever even touching the seat and the clerk would have to wipe her ass with old chip bags or rainbow licorice.

I laughed the whole way back to my truck when I stopped and turned to look back at the store. I doubled over in laughter when I realized what I had done.

I forgot to flush.

The Sudden Stop At The End Story

DSCF0494Everybody has that one friend who has no idea where the limit is. He or she is the person that says ” Yeah, its alright ,have that one drink too many” or ” Yeah, its okay to tie all those tents together and drag them behind your truck “. Right now, you are nodding your head thinking of which of your friends is that person. Everybody has one.

Mine is a plumber named J.P. that knows I have a severe weakness for a challenge.  One of the worst things you can say to me is ” You can’t do that” as I will then do everything in my power to either prove you right and fail spectacularly or actually accomplish said feat just so I can shut you up about it.

After much grumbling and whining, J.P. had finally gotten his boat in the water. No. Thats not a euphemism for anything filthy you perverts, he had purchased a boat off Ebay sight unseen and crossed the border into the United States to get it. Like all ” slightly used” purchases, it required a ton of work to get it sea worthy. Every time he got it back from the shop we would take it out only to inevitably break down leaving us stranded and forced to either paddle home or wave down another boat to tow us in.

One blistering afternoon,he proclaimed the boat ready to go so we set off wondering how long it would be before we ended up just floating around with no power getting drunk and sunburned.  We threw the ropes, tubes and boards in the boat and jetted off into the humid air and cool water.  The boat was humming at a quick pace and without warning J.P. buried the throttle and the boat shot ahead like a rocket.  We skimmed across the surface like a tossed stone before slowing down and setting up the tow ropes.

” Who’s first?” J.P. asked as he looked at the few of us in the boat. I had a life jacket on and was in the water before the words were even out of his mouth.

” Let’s see what shes got,” I called out as I pulled myself up onto the tube and grabbed the handles. Most people might sit inside the tube with their feet sticking out but where is the fun in that I ask.  Nope, I laid on that rubber rocket and held on for dear life as J.P. hammered on the throttle.  I could hear the water sizzling underneath me as the first few waves sloshed over me. I knew we were going fast but I had no idea how fast. After a few winding turns I slid of and smashed into the water. Pain lashed through me like I had been bullwhipped.

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” Holy shit,” I thought,” What the hell did I just hit”. Instantly I thought I had crashed into a submerged log or the Loch Ness Monster or something as my lower back and legs were on fire. I paddled towards the tube and laughed at myself. I was just being a sissy.

” You okay?” J.P. asked stiffling a giggle,” We can slow down if you like”.

I knew I had a choice here. The smart thing to do would have been to climb into the boat and admit defeat but what kind of guy would I be if I did that?

” Lets do it!!!”, I called as I hauled my battered carcass up onto the tube and held on even tighter. As I said, J.P. is that kind of friend that he simply wont stop until he has beaten you and before I knew it we were screaming even faster across the water. The spray coming off the rope and wash of the boat was as stinging as an ice storm but there was no way I was letting go.  Remember back in the beginning I talked about failing spectacularly? Its called foreshadowing.

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Before long we were moving so fast the force of the wind and the smashing of the waves were just too intense and I violently crashed into the water. I felt like I had been in a car wreck. Limbs flailing and body rolling over the top of the water like a giant floppy penis, I literally hung limp in the water.

Pain ran through my body and I didn’t know what hurt most. My shoulders were on fire from being wrenched out of their sockets and my back was aching from crashing into an oncoming wave. I knew I was hurt but had no idea if it was bad or not. The boat motored around towards me and I knew that I was defeated.

As J.P. and my family watched, I pulled myself over the side of the boat. I was in agony but was doing my best to play it down. As we motored around the rest of the day, I steadily got stiffer and ached more. My legs felt like lead and as we loaded the boat back on the trailer.  With a laugh and a cringe, we said our goodbyes and I headed for home. I felt like I had been raped by Kobe Bryant. You might not have wanted it to happen but it happened all the same.

The next morning I could barely move. My ass was so sore that even the thought of fabric touching it was torture. I walked into the kitchen and dropped my pants for my wife to see if I was swollen and she laughed and was shocked at the same time. My ass was literally purple. Don’t believe me? Judge for yourself…..

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Both cheeks were pounded like hamburger. I now know why some guys just turn gay in prison. It must beat having your ass look like this every day. Turns out that we were doing almost sixty miles an hour on the water. Falling off the tube and hitting the water going that fast was like jumping out of a moving car and hitting pavement.

The moral of the story here is pretty simple. When in doubt, don’t lead with your ass.