Smooth as a Baby’s Butt

hair removal 1

I have known I would fight male pattern baldness since I was a teenager.

If you look at a family picture of men on my mom’s side it’s like a Mr. Clean convention. Wide shoulders, thick legs and shiny bald heads. I figured I would be proactive and in my early twenties started shaving my head. Thankfully enough I have a nicely shaped head. There is nothing worse than a pasty bald guy with a deformed cranium.

I have explored every type of razor and cream possible and even contemplated waxing but the idea of every hair on my head being yanked out makes me want to scream “Kelly Clarkson!!!”

I even called a spa to see about laser removal and was disappointed when they wouldn’t touch my peach fuzz. That it was most usually targeted at particularly furry crotched women.

It seems to me that this is a complete misstep on the part of spa owners. I mean guys need to trim the hedges as much as girls do.

I was sitting in a restaurant with friends one night and a group of girls at the bar near us were discussing the fact that one of them had gotten laser hair removal on her crotchal area leaving only a “Landing Strip”.

I love that name.

Like every time she’s getting into bed with someone,  they grab a couple of flashlights and act like they’re Ground Control and there penis is a 747.

Still, the reactions to hair removal are very different for men and women.

Like this girl getting that landing strip and telling her friends about it in a crowded bar and her friends demanding to see it.

So they drag her off to the bathroom, all giggling to get a peek.

That’s one of those cool things I like about women that you’ll never see happening between guys….

Imagine Joe and Dave:

Joe: “You did what?”

Dave: “Laser hair removal”

Joe: “Everywhere but the legs and arms?”

Dave: “Yeah”

Joe:  “Bullshit! Really? Come on, get out in the garage. I gotta see this”

I just don’t see guys doing that.

I’m sure they peek when you’re changing in the locker room if a guy walks by naked.  They just don’t squat down to eye level of the scrotum and yell out  “Wow that scrotum looks smooth. You do that yourself, or did you get that lasered?”

Not gonna happen.

I would have to imagine getting naked for laser hair removal is the same for guys as getting a vasectomy.

The awkward conversation as your junk is being handled in a clinical fashion by a burly nurse with a hatred for testicles. The shuffling giggles of nursing students as you try to make your penis look bigger by forcing it out the hole as far as it will go.

It questions our masculinity

Even coming out of the Laser clinic must feel weird. Like stepping out of the Ladies washroom and everyone’s looking wondering what you’re doing in there. I would feel like I needed to explain.

“Guys are going in there now. I was supposed to be in there. I have male pattern baldness on my penis!”

One of the highlights would have to be getting your junk out in front of a girl for the first time after getting it done.

Even just telling a girl about it could result in them rushing you off to the bathroom like you were just one of the girls. In the Club.

I even started fantasizing us being at the restaurant someday and those girls rushing me off to have a look.

The non stop questions as they are eye level with my , well, baldness.

“How far down does she go with the laser?”

“In the crack too?” “How does that feel?” ” Is it better wiping?”

“What do you talk about while she’s lasering?””Did she say you needed the BIG laser?”

It’s not like….whatever happens at Laser Salon, stays at Laser Salon. But it’s awkward to talk about.

Women love these details though. It’s like chocolate covered gossip and they enjoy every detailed piece.

So for now I will stick to shaving my…….. scalp.


18 thoughts on “Smooth as a Baby’s Butt

  1. yeh, we women are all about sharing it all, and we’re not shy about it )

  2. yep, I’d want to see for sure.. hahahaha

  3. I must hangout with the wrong people, I’ve never asked or been asked to share my anatomy. Sorry, but why. Why do I care what your vag looks like, unless I’m going to sleep with you, which I’m not…. Actually I hang out with the right people, cause they don’t care either.

    • Well I can’t say I wouldn’t have looked if they had offered. I have been told I have a keen eye for detail.

      To that end, I have never offered to look at a friends junk. Even when they ask

      “What the fuck is this?”

  4. I’m all about talking about it, but I’m not going to show my shaved shit to my girlfriends. That view is for My Man only. 😉

  5. Girls are strange creatures. Mostly, it’s because we know we can get away with it. Bald guys are my favorite!

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