Cloudy With a Chance of Testicles



Technology has come so far in the last couple decades that its hard to imagine life without instant gratification. There are at least four hundred channels alone on satellite television with almost never anything on worth watching.

One thing never fails to amaze me though. One thing never disappoints. The haven of mindless television almost specifically designed for anyone that works outside for a living.

The Weather Channel

When the Weather channel hit TV, I though  “Who in the name of Ziggy Stardust was going to watch a channel about the weather and only the weather reported by people who actually took themselves seriously?”

Next to watching the perpetual fireplace channel, I can’t think of a more boring concept for a TV program.

“Oh no”  they say….”people want to watch the weather”. In fact they want to watch it so much, we’re going to repeat the same stuff every 20 minutes.

Know what scares me most about the Weather channel? I can’t stop watching it. I live and die by that twenty-minute interval of weather every morning when I wake up like a gambling addict clutching a ticket on a two hundred to one long shot that I have wagered my daughter’s virginity against.

The great thing about the weather channel is not having to following a story.Cloudy with sunny periods.  Sixty percent chance of showers.  That’s easy. You can’t get lost in the plot, or confused about who did it, in this story. No need to record the whole season and watch it back but still be confused by the ending in a fashion similar to LOST.

And there’s that catchy tune that starts every time the ‘Local Forecast’ is coming. I dive in front of the TV like a two-year old hearing Thomas the Tank Engine when I hear that playing. They talk about the rest of the country and the world for 20 minutes.

Then that Local Forecast tune hits and you think….. “Hey,  we’re on!”

“Oh my God. That temperature reading was fifteen kilometres from my house. That guy they just interviewed in the freezing rain tried to have sex with my high school girlfriend.”

The fact that the weather network has succeeded, really opens the door too. Previously over looked potential channels are now being considered. Like…

The Benjamin Moore channel. We can finally tune in to watch paint drying.

The Awkward Silence Channel. Conversations that just drop into long stretches of uncomfortable silence as the people on-screen wont make direct eye contact with you.

The Pet Care channel. Don’t miss this weeks special- “Flossing your cats teeth.” Fun for the whole family.

The Angry Stare Channel. Twenty four hours a day of your mother-in-law glaring at you and slipping in comments about your weight every fifteen minutes or roughly every time you look towards the fridge.

But at least these channels have topics that change a little. The Weather channel stories are so limited.

There’s rain, sun, cloudy, snow and some storms; then you’ve seen it all. After that you’re guaranteed to be watching reruns all day unless there is a freak tornado that rips through your town and the only person they can get on camera is your cousin wearing yellow rubber boots, flowered shorts, no shirt and holding an umbrella.

So I imagine them, in the board room, trying to come up with other stuff to fill in the time and make the weather entertaining….

“So how do we make the weather entertaining?”

“I know, I know.Let’s not just talk about our weather because we’ll talk about that every 20 minutes but while they’re waiting to hear the local forecast… again… we could entertain them with…  weather…somewhere else!”

“Yeah…….Other peoples weather! Brilliant Idea, Jim!’

So we’re kept glued to the screen between Local Forecasts watching other people’s weather because we certainly couldn’t just go outside and look for ourselves. No. We sit glued to the screen like testicles to a dried out condom.

As fun as that is, while we’re thinking outside the box here, why not talk about yesterdays weather.

We could do a spot like “… and now for a look at Yesterdays weather in our “How Wrong We Were About The Forecast Recap”

“Hey, yesterday was a bomb wasn’t it? I know we said it wouldn’t rain Saturday but… well, it’s a crap shoot really, and we got caught this time.”

“Still! We nailed it Friday, didn’t we?”

Literally, the only profession where you can be wrong ninety percent of the time and still not only keep your job but do it again just as poorly the next day with a plastic smile plastered on your face from all the Botox you’ve had to hide the fact you worked your way through college as a gay male escort.

At least until the Psychic Network starts again.


12 thoughts on “Cloudy With a Chance of Testicles

  1. i love that weather graphic so much. how hard were the off camera people laughing?

  2. I’m rolling because all I can think about is the people they seem to interview after a tornado somewhere. It seems the only people they can ever find wandering around are toothless gems in a pair of bibbers.

  3. I remember watching Garfield when I was little… he ALWAYS said that if you were a liar, you’d certainly grow up to be a Weather Man.

  4. Every time I pass through here I end up laughing by myself, even my dogs stare at me thinking “what´s wrong with this nut case”. Don´t even know where to start with your lines, weather channel ,wake up like a gambler….Pet channel , see how the cat flows his teeth. This is some funny shit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s