The Finish Line

writingbook1

 

 

To say my life is busy is an understatement.

Over the last seven days, I have been either directly or indirectly involved with twenty-one baseball games. Mediated disputes over players. Eaten more white bread in the form of hamburger buns than I have in the past year. I have another week of games ahead followed by end of season meetings.

I have finished a job on a house that will forever be known as “Nightmare Mansion” based solely on the fact that the physical effort of finishing it nearly killed my whole team.

I have helped edit a piece of someone elses work when they were struggling to put its pieces together.

I have exercised less than I have in months and eaten worse.

So, I have been forced to make a decision.

Since the first day I started writing here, through the demise of my first blog, to getting featured on Freshly Pressed, I have held on to the goal of publishing a book in some format or another.

To that end, I will be taking a break from writing here until I have the book at least in the hands of my editor.

I have no desire to turn this place that I have laboured over for this long into a place where I simply whore out my book when finished. I will still be writing here but on a limited basis until the book comes out.

In the next few days, I will be unveiling the cover and the titles of the two super secret bonus stories I have written exclusively for the book.

Be excellent to each other.

 

The Anti-Bucket List

Featured Image

 Ever since Morgan Freeman made that far-fetched movie, everyone has been using the term “Bucket List”. It’s become some mystical and unattainable list of things that people keep adding newer and more expensive things to that they will likely never accomplish. I usually try to be open to new experiences and not limit it to a simple list.  To be sure, I have things I want to accomplish but the list is short. Swim with Great White Sharks in Australia. Publish my first book. See Motley Crue in concert one more time.

That’s it.

As I said, anything else that I accomplish on the way to those dreams is just extra cheese on my pizza. Instead, I tend to focus on the things I have no intention of ever trying or trying again as it would be.

My Anti-Bucket List.

1. Cannibalism

In the heat of the moment I have eaten ass but I don’t think I would ever want to do it as my sole means of survival.

2. A vampire facelift

No one needs to relive the Twilight era with my white face leading the charge. I have been told that my ass is white enough glow in the dark but I don’t believe it.

3. Inseminate pigs

I grew up on a farm and as such am no stranger to what happens on Dollar Draft night at the Slop Bucket Saloon but I really can’t see me ever wanting to inject a porker with any type of fluid. Even for the sake of more bacon.

4. Get a full face tattoo

This does not include getting matching facial ink with Mike Tyson as that would be unbelievably bad ass. No one would ever mess up my Moccachino at Starbucks again in fear of me biting their ear off.

5: Eat a local delicacy. Anywhere.

I paid the price for an early morning Coney Dog on a five-hour drive home from Port Huron, Michigan. My apologies to the bathroom staff at the London “On The Run”. As well as the elderly gentleman who offered to get me a Popsicle to sit on for the way home. Apparently its quite soothing.

6. Have my foreskin back.

I have gotten along thus far quite well without it and the process of stretching the skin of my penis back to the shape it would need to be sounds like it should be a punishment for robbing old women of their pension cheques with the promise of sex.

7. Practice world champion level streaking in Barrow, Alaska.

If you were to ask any of my neighbours where the bald, naked guy lived they would quite assuredly point you to my place as my proclivity for wandering about in the buff are widely known. That being said the idea of dropping my pants in a place where exposed skin freezes in less than sixty seconds makes me feel bad for my nipples.

8. Organize and video tape an orgy at the local senior center.

Having seen “Human Centipede” and “Two Girls, One Cup”, I think I am rather immune to most images but the idea of that much naked and ancient flesh twerking up on each other like a bunch of pink balloons filled with Cottage Cheese would haunt my dreams for a long time.

9. Help a stranger wipe.

Even with my crippling hero complex there has to be a line that even the Man of Steel wouldn’t cross. I mean should a fifty dollar bill exchange hands I might be prompted to step in but only after a brief discussion of dietary habits and whether or not it was Taco Tuesday.

10. Nicholas Cage.

I am sure there will be more things I add to the list like getting dysentery in a foreign country that has nothing more than single ply toilet paper but for the most part I would rather be open to new experiences. I will just remind myself to stay away from nursing homes on Taco Tuesday.

Shudder.

Canadian Content Laws

Being based out of Canada, land of Degrassi Junior High and Poutine, I feel compelled to share my culture with those of you not fortunate enough to live here.

Every summer there is a festival of buskers in a nearby city. It may be just a Canadian thing but streets are blocked off for miles while street performers of all types ply their trade to the enthralled masses for a few sheckles.

Here for your entertainment, I present the contortionist and acrobat Al Kazam. Before this ending act he had squeezed his body through a squash racquet and contorted his torso around to get his mouth close enough to his own junk that he would never have to wait around till the end of the night at a Country bar on Ladies Night.

The video is brought to you courtesy of my newly minted Youtube channel in conjunction with my Tumblr account that can be found under the account @jackchaser76. Yes, I will admit I am building a platform from which to launch my book but a bonus feature of my Tumblr account is that is the only place to have pictures of yours truly.

Enjoy some Canada.

Rise and Grind

 

Time is the most fleeting of things.

That’s deeply philosophical for a guy that chemicals his pool naked but it’s intensely true.

In my effort to make a living and put the finishing touches on the long-standing dream of publishing a book based on the hilarity found here my writing time is at the barest of minimums.

But a great man once said “I have a dream”.

Mine is simply to sell one copy of my first book.

I stress the word “first”. It is my goal to publish many books but I believe this is a great start.

But there are still days where it feels like a grind. That every word typed is a weight pressing down.

So every morning I listen to this piece of motivation.

It’s important to remember that while you are pursuing your dream others are too. That they will have no problem letting life beat you to your knees and keep you there simply as a means of getting one step closer to the goal than you are.

Writing can truly be a grind.

Especially when you are writing about events that occur in your life.

I purposefully leave out the mundane or boring. I could whine and bitch with the best of them but if that’s what you are looking for I can point you in the direction of several writers who bounce out those kinds of posts daily.

I will still be grinding out my dream. One word at a time. Because there are hundreds of books published daily.

It’s just my dream to make mine the funniest one people have ever read.

So while time may be slipping away it is at least being put to good use.

A lifelong goal accomplished.

One word at a time.

The King of What?

dildoking Forrest Gump said it best – “It must be hard being king”.

I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Look at what it did to Elvis. “The King of Rock and Roll”. From a young heart-throb who took over the world with his hips to a bloated God who flew halfway across the country to get a peanut butter,bacon and grape jelly sandwich. It must be nice to have that kind of freedom but the responsibility would be awful.

But, maybe being the king of something a little off track wouldn’t be so bad.  Well, a lot off track but who cares.  Maybe something not in musical entertainment but in another form of entertainment.

So, how about the “King of Dildos”.  Because seriously if I attain that who can trump it? Like Steve Jobs created the empire of the iphone, I’ll start a “dildo empire”.

I will be the creator of the greatest and most realistic dildo that has ever existed. You know one that senses real emotions and reacts, talks, walks, and more.  The kind of sex toy that every woman on the planet would want. I think the best feature would be to make that dildo mobile.  I don’t mean hide it in your luggage when you visit your sister for the weekend. No, I mean crawling like an inch worm and doing tasks around the house when you are at work. Capable of sensing your moods and crawling up to you when you need a synthetic fake penis to snuggle with.

Even more revolutionary would be a dildo that got along with your friends too. You’ve got your friends over “hanging out” and your dildo just happens to crawl up on to them. How fucking weird would that be? “Amber, is that a cock that just crawled by me?” Looking like the realest penis you ever saw. Just have cocks crawling all over the fucking place like an army of inch worm minions.

“Amber, your dildo has a boner and it won’t leave me alone.”

“Well Jill, he likes you.  If you start bitching he will crawl away.”

Little dildos just crawling around the house really isn’t a big deal.  I mean it’s 2014, I have seen some of the toys they make for kids these days. We have the technology.  We can make this boner move.  “Get a long lil’ boner”.

So what do we call our top of the line 2012 “All Star Dildo”?  How about “Tickle Me Boner”?  Sounds quaint. Now, this cock would be programmed to say things like, “Your butt looks good in those jeans” or  “No baby, I wasn’t at the strip club with the other dildos, I swear”.  All the lines guys always use to smooth everything over with their significant other.

I would advertise the shit out of my dildo.  “This beautiful dildo will even stay up and bring you cheesecake after sex.  It’s the one part of your man who you needed without the attachment of your man.”

I think the should be intelligent too. Like smarter than the smartest phone ever could conceive of being. They should just simply sense when they are needed.

Think of this, you’re just sitting there in your seat.  You’re at the theatre, watching a movie that has your mate sobbing and in crawls this real as real it gets penis.  Just inch worming his little head closer to you.  You look over and think “Damn is that a penis?  What the fuck?  That is a penis.  Honey look, there’s a penis crawling on the floor over there.” When all it really wants is to comfort a crying woman and let her nibble on the chocolates he brought her.

Every woman in the world would want one and before we knew it there would be flocks of cocks just trailing along behind girls every where they went. If they could somehow post stuff to Pinterest through a wireless network, it would put one in every purse in the world.

It really is only a matter of time. Forget the zombies rising up. It’s going to be the dildos that take over the world. The view from the Dildo Throne should be quite spectacular.

Humans Are Weird

colourful observations

Blogging for a Good Book

A suggestion a day from the Williamsburg Regional Library

BECKY SAYS THINGS

Becky says things about things and other things

Ned's Blog

Humor at the Speed of Life

Carter Vail

Mistress of the Macabre, Siren of Sci Fi and Femme Fatale of Fantasy

Angst Anarchy

The Chaotic Ramblings of a Humorous Sarcastic Madwoman

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

casuallyconfused

let me make you wet with with my words, and over-exaggerated emotions

r a r a s a u r

frightfully wondrous things happen here.

Words. On the Internet.

And perhaps some punctuation?

On Thick Ice - The Spurious Imaginings of Reality

Amusing musings, tall tales, and no unicorns. Or bunnies.

PornBurger

Burger Perverts Welcome

Shamelessly Guiltless

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ~Oscar Wilde

Jeremy Lay

The quotes of an 16 year old teenager along with quotes of other great men.

Newman, Oliver & McCarten Insurance Brokers Ltd.

Where you'll receive the most current and up to date industry information

Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy.

Some mistakes are too good not to share