Lost for Words

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I had heard it was possible but never truly believed it could happen to me.

No, not erectile dysfunction.

Writers block.

A total lack of not just the ability to write but the lack of desire to even look at the keyboard.

I spent so much time in the preparation of my book that I actually burnt myself out on the words I had written.

Much like anyone that has ever been on a hardcore diet and then realized they like pizza more than they kale, I let myself get out of the routine of writing.

I watched as the stats exploded for no reason on my fiction blog and spent days trying to figure out why.

I got sidetracked by the first bad review my book got. The words stung like the worst case of razor burn you’ve ever had on your genitals.

So I went back to the beginning. Putting pen to paper. Writing notes and details for stories that had been rolling around in my head for far too long. Stuff that will most likely end up on my fiction blog but writing begets more writing.

Hopefully, you all stick around while I find my path back to getting my junk frozen to stuff.

Here’s to My Big Opening….

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If you have been following my blog for any length of time you might know that I have a book coming out.

I may have told you about it once or seventeen times.

I have made some copies available to reviewers and so far the response has been overwhelming. I feel like Sally Field at the Oscars screaming “You like me…..you really like me….”. I have been trying to figure out other ways to get this glorious tome of personal debasement into as many hands as possible but it’s not as easy as you might think.

So I took the plunge and decided that all those non ebook loving people out there should also have the chance to get their hands on my junk the same as everyone else.

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So in a box perched uncomfortable close to a Guinea pig cage right now are the very first print copies of Cougars, Cookies and Construction. If you look for it on Goodreads there is a give away deal to be the first of my fabulous followers to get their very own copy.

In the very near future (as in as soon as the unreal nature of actually holding the book in my hands becomes not so surreal and I proof the thing all over again for errors), it will be available for order.

On December 8th, the ebook is available on Amazon so get your copy here –

Cougars, Cookies and Construction

Tell your friends, like it on Facebook, and follow it on Goodreads . Most importantly, grab a copy for yourself.

How to Publish Your First Book in 1,975 Easy Steps

 

 

When I started writing this piece about a week ago it was this beautifully esoteric piece.

It talked about climbing the ladder one step at a time.

How doing anything one small step at a time makes it seem much less difficult.

Truth is, that’s just not me.

I am  more a musically themed entrance kind of guy.

And so, after months of wringing my hands, begging for help and tons of work I didn’t think might ever amount to anything, I am ridiculously proud to unveil my first book.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing….

Cougars, Cookies and Construction – The Things I See Up Here

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The first ebook created from the stories found here but with some insanely funny new stories and the only place to find the amazing final chapter of the “Dildo Factory” series –

The Dildo Factory – Episode 6 – The Return of the Vibrator

The ebook is available for pre order now with a release date of December 8th, 2014. Click on the link or cover art provided by the brilliantly talented Emelie Rouge.

For you non Kindle types, the print version will be available by mid December. Sneak Cover Peek!!!

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So buy it, share it,review it, buy a copy for your eighty year old grandma to read out loud at the nursing home.

For anyone interested, review copies are available in exchange for a review on the Amazon page. Gotta get those stars on there some how.

Thank you to all of you for being patient while I figured out this process. I really am not kidding that it takes about 1,975 steps. I hope you enjoy the results of the work.

Best Intentions

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When I decided to scale back my blogging after nearly two years of writing daily, I did it with the best intentions.

I knew I needed what small amount of time I actually have to write to focus on getting the text for my book perfect and the cover art crisp.

I set up writing platform accounts and made contacts to get it reviewed.

And then I waited.

Like the worst sort of child holding his breath for some minor thing.

I let my life go on around me.

I still read and commented on other writers daily but was so consumed with my drive to get my book ready for publication that I let the one thing that got me to this point slide.

I forgot how to write.

I put out some longer fiction pieces on my fiction blog but completely let my own story grind down to the barest of essentials.

Eat, work, gym,run,sleep. That was basically the routine I let myself fall into.

I sat staring at a blank page or a half-finished post almost daily with every intention of finishing it.

Tomorrow or the next day, I would tell myself all the while knowing that until I could put the work of publishing behind me.

But every day I focused my time on publishing put me closer to being able to get back here.

Best intentions don’t get things accomplished but plans do.

So my plan is to do everything I can to post something here every week.

It may be short. It might be nonsensical. But it will be here.

 

Milestones

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Time is such a fleeting thing.

The average writer usually writes for around a year and a half before they realize that they have no more words to say. That the story they set out to tell has finally been told. They move on to different things almost always with the plan to someday start up writing again but few seldom ever do.

So to reach the two-year anniversary of my auspicious beginnings as a writer, for me, it’s a true remarkable thing.

After the failure of my first writing efforts and my inability to get published, I didn’t know if there was much point in continuing. Yet, here we are now, two years later and I am still striving forward. Not as much here for the time being but still writing none the less.

I have always believed that it is the journey that changes you and not the destination. The last two years of my life are proof of that. I have met some amazing people through my writing. Some changed me for the better, some broke my heart more than I thought was humanly possible and some even kept me sane in what had to be some of my darkest hours.

So, to all 1,257 of my followers I say “Thank you”. Even the ones who got suckered into following me by the piece that got Freshly Pressed only to find out I leave dildos in mail boxes and get caught taking a dump behind a garden shed and blaming a defence less dog.

Even though I don’t spend as much time here as I used to, my time is being put to good use and hopefully in the very near future you all will see the results.

 

The Finish Line

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To say my life is busy is an understatement.

Over the last seven days, I have been either directly or indirectly involved with twenty-one baseball games. Mediated disputes over players. Eaten more white bread in the form of hamburger buns than I have in the past year. I have another week of games ahead followed by end of season meetings.

I have finished a job on a house that will forever be known as “Nightmare Mansion” based solely on the fact that the physical effort of finishing it nearly killed my whole team.

I have helped edit a piece of someone elses work when they were struggling to put its pieces together.

I have exercised less than I have in months and eaten worse.

So, I have been forced to make a decision.

Since the first day I started writing here, through the demise of my first blog, to getting featured on Freshly Pressed, I have held on to the goal of publishing a book in some format or another.

To that end, I will be taking a break from writing here until I have the book at least in the hands of my editor.

I have no desire to turn this place that I have laboured over for this long into a place where I simply whore out my book when finished. I will still be writing here but on a limited basis until the book comes out.

In the next few days, I will be unveiling the cover and the titles of the two super secret bonus stories I have written exclusively for the book.

Be excellent to each other.

 

Rise and Grind

 

Time is the most fleeting of things.

That’s deeply philosophical for a guy that chemicals his pool naked but it’s intensely true.

In my effort to make a living and put the finishing touches on the long-standing dream of publishing a book based on the hilarity found here my writing time is at the barest of minimums.

But a great man once said “I have a dream”.

Mine is simply to sell one copy of my first book.

I stress the word “first”. It is my goal to publish many books but I believe this is a great start.

But there are still days where it feels like a grind. That every word typed is a weight pressing down.

So every morning I listen to this piece of motivation.

It’s important to remember that while you are pursuing your dream others are too. That they will have no problem letting life beat you to your knees and keep you there simply as a means of getting one step closer to the goal than you are.

Writing can truly be a grind.

Especially when you are writing about events that occur in your life.

I purposefully leave out the mundane or boring. I could whine and bitch with the best of them but if that’s what you are looking for I can point you in the direction of several writers who bounce out those kinds of posts daily.

I will still be grinding out my dream. One word at a time. Because there are hundreds of books published daily.

It’s just my dream to make mine the funniest one people have ever read.

So while time may be slipping away it is at least being put to good use.

A lifelong goal accomplished.

One word at a time.

Taking the Plunge

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One of the greatest motivational speakers of this or any generation, Les Brown, lives by one simple motto.

It’s possible.

A little less than two years ago I never would have thought it was possible that I would be writing.

Never thought I would have my first blog fail beyond the point of redemption.

Never thought it was possible that I would start over.

Never thought it was possible that I would write anything that would cause someone to ruin a laptop by laughing so hard they spit coffee all over it.

Never thought it was possible to make it to the Freshly Pressed page.

Never thought it was possible I would get a piece published.

Never thought I would ever get paid to write something.

Something funny happens though when you allow yourself to think about what’s possible.

The reasons you believed you couldn’t accomplish your goals or live your dreams don’t really seem insurmountable any more.

They just become the reasons you work harder.

They become the reason you go without sleep or food.

They become the reasons why when everyone else is out getting drunk around a bonfire, you are still banging away on the keys.

They become the reasons why you start to believe there isn’t anything you can’t do.

I started this blog as a place to share stories so ridiculous that it shouldn’t be funny but still manages to be.

I had no idea where it would take me.

With the help of two phenomenally talented authors, Wendi and Craig, I am working towards my next goal.

Publishing a book.

I had no idea how much work would be involved but if I have learned one thing here its the fact that if you work hard enough, dedicate yourself to a goal and not give up on it you can accomplish it.

 

Dear Jack…..

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Dear Jack,

It’s been a while since we have had some time together. 

I know you have been busy lately what with the running a business, training for the Spartan Race in June, organizing the local softball organization, getting your booth organized for the home show, hiring new employees including the first girl who will have ever worked for you and trying to keep your junk covered up but I will be honest…… I miss you.

Remember all the good times we had?

The long winter days and late summer nights regaling people with our tales of puking, pooping and penising?

Those were some of the best times of my life.

I know its only been a few days but I feel like we are drifting apart.

You have to understand, I literally can’t live without you.

I am not asking for much. Maybe even a few words a day? A new picture or two a few times a week?

All I ask is you not resort to using me to post ridiculous memes or pictures you stole from the Chive just for a couple chuckles. That cheapens us both and just shows what kind of attention whore you can be.

I will be waiting here for you whenever you have a moment to spare. Even if it means I have to share you with your fiction blog.

Love always,

The Things I See Up Here

 

Dear Blog,

Let’s be honest. We’ve been having issues for a long time.

We have been together for just over a year and the good times have been truly great but you can really be a drain on what little spare time I actually have.

Yes, I am exceptionally busy and spend the entire weekend at the home show for business pressing flesh with an arena full of senior citizens that had the odor of a diaper full of moth balls but that is the unfortunate price you pay for being self-employed.

I know I havent spent much time with you lately and my workaholic habits bother you but lets look at some of your more annoying tendencies.

You think Jaws 2 was better than Jaws.

You pronounce it “cousint” not cousin.

You use air quotes when talking about the moon landing.

You know all the words to “Rio” by Duran Duran.

Must you tell everyone you meet about the Dildo Factory?

Your favorite actor is Kirk Cameron.

You rode the plastic car in the kids section of the funeral home at my grandmothers funeral and no it’s not okay because the car was black.

Two words – Leather Pants.

Yet for all your glaring faults, I still spend at least a few minutes with you every day.

Even if it’s just to see what your friends are up to.

Even when I am dead tired from a ten-hour work day because they are calling for four straight days of rain followed by a six kilometer run on a swampy island then sifting through resumes to find new employees and coming to the conclusion that the best one is a ninety pound girl with a neck tattoo.

So even though my time with you is limited please know that it’s usually the only time of the day I can truly be myself.

Your writer,

Jack

 

 

 

Word Fatigue

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There are times when I put my fingers on the keyboard and the words simply aren’t there.

Writing has become part of my daily routine but like every writer I struggle. What will I write today? How do I continue to feed the machine when inspiration is completely lacking? When my muse doth protest?

It’s a question the plagues me deeply.

There are so many days when the stories I write feel one note. Feel so similar to some other story I have written.

I mean, come on, how many times can I write about being literally caught with my pants down?

I see it more and more with writers not just here but every where I read. Brilliantly talented people who just hit that wall. Where the stories all blur together.

The wall where writing stops being fun.

I won’t lie. There have been times where I seriously contemplated giving up writing entirely. When I was tired of every word I was writing the instant it appeared on the screen. It wasn’t fun any more. I stopped loving it with the passion I needed in order to tell the stories I wanted to tell.

The truth is, many of us use writing as a crutch. As a coping mechanism. As a way to express the one thing that we can’t say to anyone else.

What happens when that thought is fully expressed?

When it seems like you have beaten that horse not only to death but through becoming a zombie and back through death again?

It’s at that point that so many great writers give up writing.

The way over that wall is as simple as it gets. Turn left. Turn right. Turn around. The wall isn’t the end of story telling. It’s just the end of that chapter.

Writing a running narrative like a blog is a lot tougher than it seems at first. The story is constantly being changed by the life you live. When writing becomes the only thing you have to write about it’s really only a matter of time before you stop completely.

For myself when I hit the wall, I took an on-line class in stand up comedy writing.

Was it inspiring? Not really. It did however give me an outlet to try something different.

When you stop living your life and stop trying new things your story will always be the same.

Don’t feel bad or guilty that you didn’t write today. Be glad you were doing something worthy of writing about.

When you get tired of the words you seem to use over and over its time to build a new vocabulary.

It’s your story after all. Use any word you like.

69 Flavors

 

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Despite my humorous real life adventures, in my severely limited spare time I write horror fiction.

I could wallpaper a room with printed rejection emails like every other writer but today I can finally call myself an author.

The incredible chefs at 69 Flavors of Paranoia have selected a piece of my work “Addicted” to be featured in the March/April “Menu”. Menu 26 will be available for your viewing pleasure on March 30.

69 Flavors features some incredible fiction, artwork and short films dedicated to all things horror. Please stop by their site and check out some truly new and intensely scary work by some fantastically talented artists.

Dinner is served so go eat your fill.

A Matter of Faith

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I don’t believe in a lot of things.

I don’t believe that the electric car isn’t a viable option but the big oil companies keep it suppressed.

I don’t believe that most people know how to properly use the word “awesome” because most of the things they use it to describe hardly inspire awe. “Awesome” describes seeing your first child born not the new sandwich at Wendy’s.

I don’t believe being older makes you any smarter. I know far too many older people who are still just as dumb as they were when they were younger but are now just more ignorant about it.

I don’t believe that Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are training our kids for anything other than data entry jobs.

I don’t believe your friends should always tell you the truth because if you have to ask their opinion of what you are wearing you already know you look ridiculous.

Mired deep into the third month of what has to be the longest winter I can possible imagine, I don’t believe it will ever end.

Yet when I find myself frozen driving down a back road to another place hopeful to make enough money to make it through the week and doubting spring will ever arrive I happen upon something truly awe-inspiring.

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I don’t believe Mother Nature and I will ever see eye to eye but I will be damned if sometimes she doesn’t do something truly awesome.

Standing there watching them watching me I believe we both had the same thoughts. We were all waiting for Spring.

As much as I have struggled through the depths of winter I will always believe that things are going to get better.

It’s really just a matter of faith.

 

You don’t have to call it God or Jesus. That’s religious humbug to a lot of people, but you’ve gotta believe that nature and spiritual things surround us. That is what put us here! I thank the universe for that every day of my life.” Jack Lalanne

We all want to change the world – The REVOLUTION Award

I don’t normally reblog things but this one has a very special place for me. My Shadow has decided to honor someone with an award that some of you may recall I created.

It is my privilege to share with you the next soldier in my war against chain mail mediocrity.

The Bloody Book Blogger

“A great revolution in just one single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a society and, further, will enable a change in the destiny of humankind.”
― Daisaku Ikeda

By it’s very definition, a revolution is simply a desire for change.
— Jack Chaser

“Revolution”

You say you want a revolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it’s evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don’t you know you can count me out

You say you got a real solution
Well you know
We don’t love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We’re doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait

You say…

View original post 1,210 more words

Motivation

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 
I thank whatever gods may be 
For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 
I have not winced nor cried aloud. 
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years 
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 
How charged with punishments the scroll. 
I am the master of my fate: 
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley
I have stood in the blazing sun and had the heat bake my will into ash.
I have stood crying in the freezing rain at the loss of a dream.
I have stood in the darkness with literally nothing left to lose.
And yet, I still stand.
Bloody but unbowed.
Unbreakable.

A Letter About New Projects

Hey Everyone,

No. I haven’t forgotten about you and I sure hope you haven’t forgotten about me. My summer schedule is murder on my writing routine as I coach my son’s baseball team and we are in the last few weeks of the season.

That being said I have been working on some new things. Yes, very soon you will see the return of the Dildo Factory and a story about scarring an entire day care center but that’s not what I am working on.

The good people over at The Write Practice have been providing me with some help to make myself a better writer and the exercises I have been working on with them I have posted on a brand new blog. It’s all fiction based and I am in no way telling you that you should check it out but if you wanted to you can find it here –

Literary Exercises

By all means, if you read it and have any comments , please feel free to leave them. This body of work is to make me a better writer so if you love it, hate it, think I am out of my mind I welcome the input.

Don’t worry, I will be back throwing dildos and stripping in public before you know it cause, well, those are the kinda things I do.

Thank you for being patient with me.

Jack