The King of What?

dildoking Forrest Gump said it best – “It must be hard being king”.

I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Look at what it did to Elvis. “The King of Rock and Roll”. From a young heart-throb who took over the world with his hips to a bloated God who flew halfway across the country to get a peanut butter,bacon and grape jelly sandwich. It must be nice to have that kind of freedom but the responsibility would be awful.

But, maybe being the king of something a little off track wouldn’t be so bad.  Well, a lot off track but who cares.  Maybe something not in musical entertainment but in another form of entertainment.

So, how about the “King of Dildos”.  Because seriously if I attain that who can trump it? Like Steve Jobs created the empire of the iphone, I’ll start a “dildo empire”.

I will be the creator of the greatest and most realistic dildo that has ever existed. You know one that senses real emotions and reacts, talks, walks, and more.  The kind of sex toy that every woman on the planet would want. I think the best feature would be to make that dildo mobile.  I don’t mean hide it in your luggage when you visit your sister for the weekend. No, I mean crawling like an inch worm and doing tasks around the house when you are at work. Capable of sensing your moods and crawling up to you when you need a synthetic fake penis to snuggle with.

Even more revolutionary would be a dildo that got along with your friends too. You’ve got your friends over “hanging out” and your dildo just happens to crawl up on to them. How fucking weird would that be? “Amber, is that a cock that just crawled by me?” Looking like the realest penis you ever saw. Just have cocks crawling all over the fucking place like an army of inch worm minions.

“Amber, your dildo has a boner and it won’t leave me alone.”

“Well Jill, he likes you.  If you start bitching he will crawl away.”

Little dildos just crawling around the house really isn’t a big deal.  I mean it’s 2014, I have seen some of the toys they make for kids these days. We have the technology.  We can make this boner move.  “Get a long lil’ boner”.

So what do we call our top of the line 2012 “All Star Dildo”?  How about “Tickle Me Boner”?  Sounds quaint. Now, this cock would be programmed to say things like, “Your butt looks good in those jeans” or  “No baby, I wasn’t at the strip club with the other dildos, I swear”.  All the lines guys always use to smooth everything over with their significant other.

I would advertise the shit out of my dildo.  “This beautiful dildo will even stay up and bring you cheesecake after sex.  It’s the one part of your man who you needed without the attachment of your man.”

I think the should be intelligent too. Like smarter than the smartest phone ever could conceive of being. They should just simply sense when they are needed.

Think of this, you’re just sitting there in your seat.  You’re at the theatre, watching a movie that has your mate sobbing and in crawls this real as real it gets penis.  Just inch worming his little head closer to you.  You look over and think “Damn is that a penis?  What the fuck?  That is a penis.  Honey look, there’s a penis crawling on the floor over there.” When all it really wants is to comfort a crying woman and let her nibble on the chocolates he brought her.

Every woman in the world would want one and before we knew it there would be flocks of cocks just trailing along behind girls every where they went. If they could somehow post stuff to Pinterest through a wireless network, it would put one in every purse in the world.

It really is only a matter of time. Forget the zombies rising up. It’s going to be the dildos that take over the world. The view from the Dildo Throne should be quite spectacular.

Dildos in Everyday Life

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I was lounging in the tub early one evening when the email alert went off on my phone prompting yet another fumbling attempt to not drop my phone in the tub. My heart and testicles jumped into my throat as I saw an email from a marketing company. Seems that I had caught the attention of a company that is near and dear to not only my readers but also my penis.

The wonderful purveyors of the finest adult products in the world and I collaborated on a piece of writing and I am happy to present to you the following .

Applications For A Dildo In Everyday Life

In early January, while mired in the miserable frosts of the shifting Polar Vortex — a planet-sized vapor monster hell-bent on cloaking humanity in a new Ice Age—I did something very foolish: I took a stroll through Denver. The reality is that I was stranded overnight in a hotel and had to trudge through the snow to pick up Ruby Tuesday’s . The food was a disappointment, but the journey proved fruitful for another, entirely unpredictable reason: I saw a dildo used in a fashion I’d never seen before. And, I thought, where better to post about the incident than a blog with a running story about a foray into a dildo factory?

The thing is, we all know the carrot-and-coal dick-and-balls trick on a snowman. It’s probably been in about 500 movies and we’ve all either seen it or done it ourselves. But this was the first time I’d seen an actual dildo used in the construction of a snowman, right down there where the carrot-dick usually resides. That’s right: a full-on, lifelike 8-inch whopper straight out of the Adam and Eve catalogue raging defiantly at me through the blizzard, evidently immune to the shrinking properties of severe cold.

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Well then. With my mind desperately trying to distract itself from the nerve endings that kept insisting it was about -10 degrees, I did the only natural thing to do after seeing a fiendishly erect snowman on my way through town: I began to wonder what other decorative or functional properties such a tool might have. So, to save anyone else who might be so inclined the trouble, here are what I have determined to be the five best uses for a giant dildo in everyday life.

Bird Perch – Birds will sit (and shit) on anything oblong, so why not make it a raging rubber cock? Fasten one of these in the garden or alongside a bird feeder to make nature a bit more amusing.

Target Practice – I imagine this is particularly satisfying for a woman looking to get over a relationship, but either way shooting golf balls (or whatever else) at dicks sounds kind of funny. Try out your new pitching wedge with an all-new form of “closest to the tee.”

Signage – If you really want to have yourself an everyday life dildo-festival, make a sign in which the letters are formed out of dildos. You may just make someone’s day on a miserable, cold evening when he needs a distraction

Bathroom Prank – Building an actual glory hole in a public bathroom is pretty sick stuff, but pasting a realistic-looking dildo to the indoor stall wall can be good for a quick, harmless laugh.

Beach Prank – I can’t help imagining walking down the beach and seeing that snowman’s rager jolting up from the sand. The only explanation would be a nudist who really  likes the feel of sand enveloping his bare body. Or, you know, a childish and dildo-leaden prankster having a boring day.

This is a guest post by Aidan Cole. Aidan is a fiction and poetry writer with an affinity for all things weird or humorous. He contributes to every blog and website that will allow his words.

Myself, I plan on using dildos to get out of speeding tickets from female police officers, using double ended dongs to make young children reenact the fight scene at the end of “Return of the Jedi” and for chasing burglars out of my house because if you think a gun scares off a robber I assure you that nothing scares a home invader away faster than a naked, bald guy running at them in the dark full tilt with a ten inch black rubber cock. When you get shot during a break in, you get street cred. You get knocked out by a giant cock and arrested, you get prison raped. No courtesy spit either.

So stop on over at your local sex shop and buy all your recreational and home security needs. As Roger the Dildo Security Bunny says –

” Be smarter than a rock, protect your family with a rubber cock”

The Dawn of a New Age

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After an outpouring of entries both in the comment section and in emails, a winner has been chosen.

The judges have deliberated long and hard. There has been some screaming. One shoving match. Someone may have had a dildo slapped across their lips for their ridiculous reasoning but in the end a consensus was reached.

The winning entry and the name that will forever be associated with the first ever fully endorsed Things I See Up Here product is……….

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The Big Bang Belt !!!

Congratulations to Winter in NYC for this recockulously fucktastistic name for this new product that will change many a life and stretch open many a ……. door to more products.

This is just the beginning. In the next few weeks, I will be offering up a few of these lovely little gifts for “testing” to various individuals before we move to the next step.

Thank you to everyone who participated in the contest and offered their input on the Big Bang Belt.

I had no idea that a strap on dildo tool belt would be this popular. Makes me wonder if I could build a sex swing out of a safety harness.

I guess the adage is correct : Sex sells.

The Dildo Factory – Episode 5 – The Dildo Strikes Back

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, today is the big day. The last big thrust towards the great reveal.

So, we end with the last story ( so far) in the Dildo Factory series.

Don’t forget to enter the contest by posting your suggestion for the fabulous product we are endorsing.

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It’s a sad indictment of the state of our economy when a factory that fabricates rubber penises isn’t making money.

After all the work and effort I had put into getting the job to put a brand new roof system on the entire building, I got that call that all contractors dread. The job was going to be put on hold. The volume of work that the factory needed simply wasn’t in the budget and there was no Fairy God-Dildo with a magic penis wand that shot out hundred dollars bills to make up the gap in what they had in the bank and what I needed to even start the job.

It was a long , almost heartfelt conversation between the maintenance man, Bob and I over a four-foot deep crate of deformed anal beads that kind of left a lump in my throat. We agreed to try to do some repairs to get them through the winter and see where the budget was when the ice and snow melted off the building in the spring. The biggest issue was a massive hole that had fallen in above one of the offices that allowed a gaping, squirting flood of rain water to fall on the desk of one of the plant managers.

Dart and I pulled into the fenced yard and took a sad look at the place. It could quite easily be our last time ever working on it and I made the mental choice to at least have fun with it. It had rained a torrential amount the night before with more scheduled for that evening so the window of time we had to actually get anything done was fairly tight and obviously moist. As I set up the massive step-ladder we would use to fill the gap on the underside with plywood, Dart grabbed our drill kit and the fasteners I would need. The instant he shut the large metal door to the factory behind him I bolted for the nearest vat of malformed cocks I could find and stuffed as many of them as I could into the pouch of my hooded sweat shirt I could. Rubber dicks of every color were spilling out of my pocket like the worlds worst trail of bread crumbs as I scaled the ladder as dumped them out on top of the small platform on the last step of the ladder.

I headed back down just as Dart had finished cutting the piece of wood into the size we needed and I almost giggled as I took the plywood and drill from him.

” Just be careful when I am getting this in place,” I cautioned ” I don’t want anything falling on you.”

” Just hurry up will you. That shit dripping down on me smells gross.” dart replied as I scaled the ladder.

I quickly put the piece of plywood in place and screwed two long bolts into the one side and looked down to see Dart staring in the opposite direction. Fluids still cascaded down over me as I looked over my shoulder and began dumping dildos on Dart as fast as I could. Cocks over every shapes and size spilled down over him and he shoved himself away from the ladder hard enough to nearly knock me off the top step.

” What the fuck !,” Dart yelled up at me with a scowl that indicated his displeasure at having fake cocks dropped on his forehead as he looked up at me.

I burst out laughing just as I heard a fresh downpour of rain begin to fall on the roof surface just above my head. I turned my attention back to fixing the sagging wood as Dart kicked a large purple dildo off his foot. Just as I placed the next screw in position, the entire surface of the roof mat caved in above my head coating me in gravel, soaked insulation and sticky asphalt. I tried to wipe it away the black goo sticking to my face but only succeeded on spreading it out in a bad imitation of Al Jolson.

” Nice facial,” Dart barked out followed by a snickering laugh. I could only imagine how difficult it was going to be to clean the crap off my face and I set back to work with a half a laugh at how karma really was a miserable bitch.

I finished the interior work quickly and we took the ladder down before putting it back where we found it. Bob had walked through the  factory at that point to inspect the work we had done. He smirked a little as he looked at my soaked shirt and the state of my features.

” Got a little something on you there,” Bob chuckled as he pointed to my face.

” Lucky it’s not worse,” I said with a laughed that tried vainly to match his general good humor ” But I can take care of it with some hand cleaner.”

” Bad enough,” Bob said with a smile that creased his entire face and a blush that reached the roots of his tousled, snow-white hair.,” And you might want to try hand lotion instead”. He flicked the hood of my sweater and plopped out the thick, pink and white marbled dildo I had stuck in it when I was filling my pouch. I had completely forgotten about it but the impact of the chunk of roof must have dislodged it from the sack of my hoodie.

” I always knew you were a dickhead ,” Dart snickered as he headed outside into the rain that did nothing to tone down his laughter.

The Dildo Factory Episode 4 – A New Dildo

Closer and closer we get to the great name unveiling of the glorious product that you can win in the contest found here and we continue the parade of rubber love with the next to most current story in the fucktastic Dildo Factory series.

Don’t forget to get your name in the contest to win your own piece of Things I See Up Here history.

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I truly believe that some people’s fates, lives and stories are inexorably linked to certain geographical places. Mine, I truly believe, is wrapped up in the Dildo Factory.

I had actually given up hope that I would ever have the chance to even step foot in it again when the call came in that the owners would like to meet about the quote I had submitted. The roof had begun to leak quite bad due to the shape it was in and the torrential rains we had been having. It would appear that moisture is bad for silicone.

Not that kind of moisture. Perverts.

The molds had been getting wet and it was preventing them silicone from setting properly. As we toured the floor to inspect the areas in need of immediate work, I notices some strange-looking forms . Things that looked like bad Japanese porn cartoons come to life. I chuckled as Bob, the maintenance man showed me all the scrap they ended up recycling simply from moisture entering the molds. Poor dildos that never had the chance to truly live up to their potential and were discarded simply for being a bit different. Dildos like this malformed nightmare.

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” You would be shocked how many of those double-headed ones go out of here ,” Bob said with a bemused shake of his head. I think I may have actually snorted as Bob looked back over his shoulder and finished his thought by saying ” The black ones are twice that big.”

As we moved through the plant, it became more and more apparent that this contract had the potential to be really big. Row upon row of dildos waited to be recycled. A sigh caught in my throat as I thought of all the wasted orgasms when something caught my eye.

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” New contract,” Bob grunted with a shake of his head,” The moisture is really ruining any casting it touches. The molds just don’t hold the shapes well.”

I actually didn’t think of it at first but the more I looked at it, the concept dawned on me. They don’t make sex toys just for women. It was pointed out to me when I asked someone who this is where your “wanker” goes in. I burst out laughing at that.

The contract was waiting for me when I got back to the office of the factory and the first name that was slashed across it in ink was mine. There truly was no way I was going to turn down work on a factory that now produced Fleshlights.

The Dildo Factory – Episode 3 – Revenge of the Dildo

We continue the march toward the glorious unveiling of the new name of the product found here with the reissuing of the next part of the infamous and much beloved Dildo Factory series.

Don’t forget to put your name in the running by entering the contest in the comment section.

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You didn’t really think the story of the Dildo Factory was over did you?

Come on….. everybody knows the best stories are all trilogies. What would The Two Towers be without The Return of the King? What would The Empire Strikes Back be without The Return of the Jedi? What would Fifty Shades Darker be without Fifty Shades Freed……….?

Yes. I read them. The fact you got the reference means you read them too so who are you to point your finger and laugh at me?

When we last saw the Dildo Factory, I was leaving it behind me as I was speeding away with my pants stuffed with multi colored and textured rubber penises. Let that sink in for a second.

It had been a particularly bad winter and after one last freezing blast of snow and freezing rain had coated the area in an inch thick layer of ice. A healthy dumping of snow after followed by a rapid increase in temperature resulted in not only sloppy roads but roofs carrying way too much weight in sheer water volume alone.

The call came in the morning from the factory and I was hesitant to go back. Would they remember me? Had anyone seen me? I wasn’t sure but if they problems they were having were as bad as the maintenance guy lead me to believe, every second I waited would make it worse. Water was apparently streaming out of the drainage pipes and that could have meant a frozen or cracked pipe. Not exactly my area of expertise but if I could clear the drain it would minimize the damage until they could get a plumber in to fix the pipe.

I met one of the maintenance crew , Jim, an older guy with a beer keg belly and a perfect donut of greying hair outside the building and he was nearly frantic.  I followed him into the building and water was literally streaming from the drainage pipe fittings. Thankfully, it was dripping over an unused area of the plant that we had repaired before and was scheduled to have a new roof installed as soon as the weather allowed.

We made our way through the plant passing by crate after crate of dildos. I noted this time they were not only sorted by color but also by size and shape. I momentarily felt bad for the poor employee that had likely spent endless hours holding fake dick. We climbed up the access hatch and found a veritable lake of ice and water in front of us. An area the size of a football field covered in floating mini icebergs and lumps of rapidly melting snow. I knew right away that there was a blockage in the drain and froze. There was no way. Just no way what I was thinking was possible.

” We gotta get this water off here some how,” Jim intoned with a sigh ” I have some pumps that we can use.”

” That’s a great place to start.” I said looking around. I knew approximately where the drains were and headed there as Jim descended.  Most drains are like toilet drains so you can almost always unblock them with a toilet snake. I fed the wire down inside and as soon as it met resistance, I began cranking it to free it up. I felt the blockage shift and I began to pull the wire back up. Emerging from the depths of the drain pipe like a leviathan rising from the deep was a translucent, pink, nubby tipped dildo at least ten inches long. The dildo plopped out of the drain hole with a loud suctioning sound and the water began instantly draining like a flushed toilet.

” I’ll be damned,” Jim said from over my shoulder. I hadn’t heard him approach and I stood stock straight up gripping the offending giant rubber penis.

” Not sure what to tell you Jim,” I said. I knew it had to be from the dildo war we had raged only months before.

” I do,” Jim said with rage flashing in his eyes ” Those assholes on the floor won’t leave the damn things alone.” He tromped off down the access hatch and I followed close behind. Over the next fifteen minutes I watched as he berated his floor staff while shaking a drain slime encrusted pink dildo at all of them. There was no way I was going to tell him it might have been up there because of me.

” That should do it,” Jim said as he turned to me, ” Thanks for fishing this out.”

” Not a problem,” I answered.

” I caught them outside the other day tossing the damn things around like frisbees so it’s not really a shock,” Jim said with a sag of his shoulders.  We shook hands and I headed for home. A couple of weeks later I headed back to get the contract for the new roof installation and I stopped in my tracks when I walked through the main doors. Right in front of me on the employee peg board beside the sign up sheets for the company softball team and forms for a trip to Canada’s Wonderland was a notice that read:

To all employees,

Please refrain from tossing the silicone dildos outside the factory floor or on the roof area.  The product is a sex toy, not a work toy.

The Dildo Factory – Episode Two – The Dildo Wars

Continuing our march towards the great unveiling of the name for the mind blowing giveaway contest, we proudly reissue the story that made many a lonely military wife happy. Don’t forget to enter the contest by entering your name in the comment section of the contest page.

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Now you might think simply telling people that we had worked on a building that housed crate upon crate of not quite but very close to good enough dildos would be enough but much like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, with no proof it was simply just a myth.

So standing outside the office describing the days events to my mom’s next door neighbour, a foul-mouthed but giant hearted military wife whose Newfoundland accent was so bad at times you could barely understand her, she simply brushed it off as a bullshit story.

Challenge accepted.

I knew we would eventually have to be back at the building but that wasnt soon enough for me.  When it was time to deliver the invoice to the factory, I jumped in immediately to deliver it. If nothing else, I was at least going to get a picture of the crates full of the multi hued penises.

After delivering the invoice, I hung around the outside of the building waiting for an opening to sneak back in. What I had never noticed before was that while there were tons of moving pieces of equipment the place was staffed by only a few people. So I simply walked back in.  I headed directly for where I knew they stored the stock to be recycled and I wasnt disappointed. There were hundreds if not thousands of the things.  Some so deformed that I laughed thinking that some poor woman may have ended up with a reject dildo.

There was no way a mere picture would do this justice so I did the only thing I could think of. I stuffed dildos down my pants as fast as I could. I grabbed every size and shape I could find. One in particular struck me as funny. It was a purple dildo with a massive penis head, a corkscrew like shaft and a huge set of balls. It was so odd that I had to take it. This one took a spot of honor. I stuffed it right in my underwear. If I was gonna get caught it would at least look like I had a great big penis.

It was surprisingly difficult to walk back to my truck with upwards of thirty rubber dicks rubbing on my legs and I was afraid one would fall out the bottom of my pants. It might make for an interesting story and maybe even more impressive looks should a woman spy a dick long enough to dangle down by my boots but I really just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.  The purple one I had stuffed in my pantaloons was a particular pain so I pulled it out and sat it on the seat beside me. I had never had a dildo ride shotgun before but it somehow seemed right.

As I drove home I began to laugh at the thought of getting pulled over and frisked by the cops. I might end up being that way too popular inmate very quickly. Without incident, I pulled into the driveway and hopped out of the truck already unzipping my pants.  I pulled every dildo out I could and walked them down to the neighbour’s house.  I left one in her mailbox, one in her car, one on her step, anywhere you might not expect to find a fake penis, I left one.  The impressive purple one I suction cupped to the hood of her car and walked away.

It was less than an hour later that she phoned me at home laughing so hard she could barely talk and given her ability to mangle the english language in the first place, it was really funny. She had found most of them but knew there were more around just waiting to pop out like a Dick-in-the-Box.

The next morning , I pulled into work to find her waiting on her front porch with a stupid looking grin on her face.  As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to ask.

” Have some fun with the stuff I left?” I asked, dreading the answer.

” Definitely,” she answered, ” But I am not the only one.”

My stomach caught a bit. I knew she was married and the thought of her and her husband doing anything together was enough to give me an instant de-rection but there was no way to turn back.

” I don’t want to know what you stuffed into each other last night,” I stated flatly and started to walk away.

” Not me, you dumb ass,” She laughed back,” I took all the dildos and gave them to every military wife whose husband is overseas right now.”  I didn’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed.

” But not that purple one,” she continued, ” That one I kept for myself.”

Now it might be another urban myth but apparently those dildos have been sent out as either a gag gift or an actual gift to any military wife whose husband has been sent overseas.  Call me crude if you like but I like the idea of starting an urban legend that gives orgasms instead of nightmares.

The Dildo Factory Story

In honor of the contest running here to name my newly endorsed and revolutionary product and the company who’s product have inspired so much factory rejected joy, over the next week I will be reissuing the Dildo Factory series as a lead up to the unveiling of the product name and its winner.

Don’t forget to get your own chance to win by entering a name in the comment section.

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As obvious as it sounds, every building has a roof on it. Eventually all of these roofs will need some kind of maintenance. Quite frankly, if they didn’t my business would be just me driving around in my truck looking wistfully at buildings and sighing a lot.

Fortunately for me I am excellent at what I do so we end up on buildings housing every different type of manufacturing and warehousing you can imagine. One of my personal favorites was a factory that recycled all things made from rubber. It’s a pretty ingenious process actually. They grind almost all types of plastic up and they are then molded into little plastic balls to be reused somewhere else. It’s not the most lucrative business but it lead into a maintenance contract that had us at the building about once a month.

I had a couple of questions for the building manager but had to wait for a scrap truck to finish unloading before I could go inside.  As I stood at the edge of the building I watched crate after crate of multi hued rubber being hauled out of trucks and carted into the building. It was after about the tenth crate something funny caught my eye. It was the shape of the products in the crates.

Dildos. Hundreds and hundreds of dildos. Every color of the rainbow. Every size, shape and texture you could think of. Ribbed, rippled and bumped. It was quite mesmerizing actually.

There was no way I could let an opportunity like this slip away.

After I met the building manager to go over our plan for the day, I watched as he left the warehouse floor and I ran as fast as I could to where the crates were stacked.  I grabbed two giant handfuls of rubber cock and headed outside. With a maniacal grin, I heaved them up on the roof.

” What the fuck is that?,” my Dad asked as I sprinted back into the building and grabbed more. One in particular caught my eye. It was an actual rubber fist dildo. Molded in the shape of a gigantic black fist, I giggled like a school girl before running outside with my new trophy raised high.

” Who wants to get fisted?,” I yelled as I climbed the ladder only to find a sight I hadn’t expected. My whole team was throwing dildos at each other. It was like a kaleidoscope of flying rubber cocks.

” Knock that shit off and get the fuck back to work,” my dad bellowed from across the building. Sheepishly, we all went back to work sweeping and shovelling gravel but the dildofest didn’t get any better. Any second my dads back was turned, a dildo was lobbed at someone or something. Every broom and shovel had a giant rubber cock stuck to the end of it.  My brother Matt used bonding adhesive and some duct tape to actually make a dildo-man that is still on the building to this day.

” Can we please get some work done around here?” my Dad asked, his voice bordering on that fine line between anger and laughter.

” Ummm, Dad?,” I asked as I nodded toward his hand. He had his hand wrapped around the end of a broom that had been topped with a semi translucent, green dildo complete with a set of dangling testicles.

He looked over at his hand and burst of laughter ripped out of him.

” I have no idea who they molded this off but he should get that set of nuts checked out,” my Dad chuckled ” That’s just not right.”

The building manager came up the ladder then and saw the mounds of dildos everywhere. He eyed us suspiciously and then let out a laugh.

” Can you believe what they send me to work with?,” he asked. ” They say its the highest grade silicone produced in Canada but these are all the ones that don’t pass quality control.”

” How exactly do they test that?,” I asked trying to hold in a laugh.

” I guess they test them the same way I do,” he laughed, ” My wife loves that black fist one.”

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

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I love the holidays as it gives me a chance to give back to the people who have given me so much during the past year.

You, my faithful readers, have seen quite the year and what better way to celebrate it than by giving you the chance to win, yes I said win, the first ever officially licensed product from the brand new Things I See Up Here line of products. All you have to do is help me name it.

That’s right all you have to do is help me name my first ever fully endorsed product and you can win the prototype.

The lucky reader who comes up with the best name for the product I have created will have the product forever be known by the name they have chosen and win one of their very own to use and abuse as they see fit. This product is so revolutionary you will think that I have suffered brain damage. That may possibly be from the truck accident that I was in a month ago but it didn’t stop me from creating a product so fantastic if I were to take it on Dragon’s Den money and underwear would be thrown at me in equal volume.

The time has come to unveil a product that will change lives around the world……..

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From the brilliant brain that resides inside my demented skull I present the strap-on tool apron.

Its marvelous features include six different pockets to fill with lube, condoms and snacks for those during sex moments that you really want a peanut butter Snickers. Its belt is completely adjustable to fit all waist sizes and shapes. Its dildo hole can be resized to fit the thickest fake penis and its one hundred percent leather construction can take even the most ardent pounding.

Best of all, it comes complete with the very last factory rejected dildo that I have procured from the legendary Dildo Factory. You can own a piece of Things I See Up Here history by simply helping me come up with a name to market my new patent pending product.

In the comment section below please leave your most creative names and our panel of experts will select a winner.

The contest runs from Christmas Eve until the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve. A winner will be selected on January first as I kick off the second year of making people laugh with dick and fart stories. The winner will receive the dildo apron and an official cleaning towel to wipe down your…….tools mailed right to their front door.

Contest open to anyone worldwide as I really like the idea of my…..tools ending up in someone in the land down under.

Merry Christmas everyone and good luck.

Interlude – Teaser

Generally, I don’t or wouldn’t post a teaser trailer for a post but I got a phone call yesterday that not only perked up a single eyebrow and then clap my hands while stamping my feet like a school girl.

This, I simply couldn’t keep to myself.

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IT’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK !!!!!!!!!!

Get ready.

The Movie Studio Story

One of the truest lessons anyone can ever learn in life is that appearances can be deceiving.  The nicest people you meet standing in line waiting for a coffee may also be the ones that go home every night and scream at their kids for hours on end for the simple error of forgetting to change the empty toilet paper roll.  That being said, the mousey, timid, lank haired, glasses pushed up tight librarian looking girl you just past coming out of the convenience store may be wearing a leather bustier and crotch less fish net underwear under her long dark coat that’s synched up tight.

It’s a lesson I have learned quite well over the last few years.  Most people only notice an issue with their roof when they end up with leakage showing up as damage on their ceiling. So it’s generally the first place people want me to look when we show up on a service call. It’s generally the easiest way to begin a search for something and then backtracking to the source.  Its led me through some homes so beautiful that you feel like you’re in a museum and places so filthy you can watch an episode of Hoarders and think ” Huh. I got that beat.”

It’s also led me to a realization. In an emergency, most people don’t think to hide the stuff they normally wouldn’t want perfect strangers to see.

It was fairly early in the day when a service call came in.  It was your standard emergency call. Damsel in distress. Young, single mom at home while her military husband was overseas and she had no idea what was going on. So I loaded up the truck, flipped the switch on the flashing pink light and rode off to the rescue. A knight in dirty, ripped coveralls.

The girl who met me at the door was as unassuming as you will ever find. Medium height. Shoulder length brunette hair. Large, thick framed glasses. Slight build. An eight or nine month old baby girl cradled in her arms. Her voice barely above a whisper as she described the damage to her ceiling and her dismay at the possibility of it happening again. With a half-smile, I explained I would go outside and set up my ladder before coming back in and checking the area inside.

The house was a split level with a very cobbled together connection between the two so I naturally assumed that would be the most logical place to start. I set my ladder in place and then made my way back to the doorway to knock on the door. I rapped hard a couple of times on the small glass window and heard her voice tell me to just come in.

She met me at the bottom of a stair way having deposited the baby into a swing type seat and donning a cardigan sweater that was likely two sizes too big for her. She waved a hand to lead me up the stairway to an attic entrance to get a look at the underside to chase down the leak.

The leak seemed to be coming from a cracked roof vent but was spreading out across the roof deck and dripping down on to a large portion of ceiling. I dropped back down out of the attic entry and asked if there were stains on the ceiling anywhere else. She answered ” Yes, In her bedroom.” No, you don’t know where this is going.

I followed her down the hallway and entered the room and stopped. I knew I was supposed to be looking at the ceiling but I couldn’t take my eyes off the headboard of the bed or the bedside tables. They were covered with every type of dildo, vibrator, and lubricant you could imagine. Some of the toys I had no idea what they were let alone what opening they went to. That’s when I took a better look around and saw walls covered with posters from porn movies and adult film actresses. There were lights the size and shape you might find on a movie set. Then I saw the camera.

It was on a tripod and angled toward the bed. I have no idea what look crossed my face. If it was surprise, shock, humor or fear. I turned to look at her and the mousey house mom was immediately gone. She had a hand placed on a jutted out hip and a challenging look on her face. I said the first thing that came to mind.

” I saw that one movie,” I said pointing to one of the posters” Its pretty good.”

She laughed and it immediately broke the tension. I don’t really think she thought about her leaving everything out in the open when she brought me in to inspect the damage.

” My husband is over seas and I make videos to send him,” She said glancing at the camera.

” That’s the coolest thing I have ever heard,” I laughed.

Shaking my head, I went back outside and fairly easily changed out the cracked roof vent. I stood beside my truck after putting all my gear away still laughing. I looked at the house in near disbelief.  You really don’t know what people do behind closed doors. I wrote out the bill and handed it to a now smiling, not so mousey brunette. She really didn’t look any different but a shared secret gave her a bit of attitude and I couldn’t help but giggle.

Her bill read ” No Charge”.

As I said, I am a sucker for a damsel in distress. If it happens that said damsel films herself masturbating to send videos to her military husband, so much the better. The repair wasn’t worth much and the giggle fit I get every time I drive by that house is worth way more that a cracked roof vent. Even if no one knows what I am giggling about.