The King of What?

dildoking Forrest Gump said it best – “It must be hard being king”.

I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Look at what it did to Elvis. “The King of Rock and Roll”. From a young heart-throb who took over the world with his hips to a bloated God who flew halfway across the country to get a peanut butter,bacon and grape jelly sandwich. It must be nice to have that kind of freedom but the responsibility would be awful.

But, maybe being the king of something a little off track wouldn’t be so bad.  Well, a lot off track but who cares.  Maybe something not in musical entertainment but in another form of entertainment.

So, how about the “King of Dildos”.  Because seriously if I attain that who can trump it? Like Steve Jobs created the empire of the iphone, I’ll start a “dildo empire”.

I will be the creator of the greatest and most realistic dildo that has ever existed. You know one that senses real emotions and reacts, talks, walks, and more.  The kind of sex toy that every woman on the planet would want. I think the best feature would be to make that dildo mobile.  I don’t mean hide it in your luggage when you visit your sister for the weekend. No, I mean crawling like an inch worm and doing tasks around the house when you are at work. Capable of sensing your moods and crawling up to you when you need a synthetic fake penis to snuggle with.

Even more revolutionary would be a dildo that got along with your friends too. You’ve got your friends over “hanging out” and your dildo just happens to crawl up on to them. How fucking weird would that be? “Amber, is that a cock that just crawled by me?” Looking like the realest penis you ever saw. Just have cocks crawling all over the fucking place like an army of inch worm minions.

“Amber, your dildo has a boner and it won’t leave me alone.”

“Well Jill, he likes you.  If you start bitching he will crawl away.”

Little dildos just crawling around the house really isn’t a big deal.  I mean it’s 2014, I have seen some of the toys they make for kids these days. We have the technology.  We can make this boner move.  “Get a long lil’ boner”.

So what do we call our top of the line 2012 “All Star Dildo”?  How about “Tickle Me Boner”?  Sounds quaint. Now, this cock would be programmed to say things like, “Your butt looks good in those jeans” or  “No baby, I wasn’t at the strip club with the other dildos, I swear”.  All the lines guys always use to smooth everything over with their significant other.

I would advertise the shit out of my dildo.  “This beautiful dildo will even stay up and bring you cheesecake after sex.  It’s the one part of your man who you needed without the attachment of your man.”

I think the should be intelligent too. Like smarter than the smartest phone ever could conceive of being. They should just simply sense when they are needed.

Think of this, you’re just sitting there in your seat.  You’re at the theatre, watching a movie that has your mate sobbing and in crawls this real as real it gets penis.  Just inch worming his little head closer to you.  You look over and think “Damn is that a penis?  What the fuck?  That is a penis.  Honey look, there’s a penis crawling on the floor over there.” When all it really wants is to comfort a crying woman and let her nibble on the chocolates he brought her.

Every woman in the world would want one and before we knew it there would be flocks of cocks just trailing along behind girls every where they went. If they could somehow post stuff to Pinterest through a wireless network, it would put one in every purse in the world.

It really is only a matter of time. Forget the zombies rising up. It’s going to be the dildos that take over the world. The view from the Dildo Throne should be quite spectacular.