The Award Winning Story Part 2

liebster-awardSo another day, another award. I am not trying to be glib. I am just blown away. A huge thanks to the Grizz for the nomination and for liking my retinue of dick and fart jokes enough to bestow this great honor on me.

The rules are as follows:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you
2. Answer the 11 questions they have asked you.
3. Nominate 11 other people
4. Ask them 11 questions in return

Apparently this particular Liebster Award has omitted the requisite random facts portion so I will be doing something unheard of. I am changing the rules. Why? The same answer Shawn Michaels gave before beating Bret Hart in the sixty minute Iron Man match

” Because I can.”

So the new rules are –

1. You must thank the person who nominated you

2. Give 1 random fact about you

3. Answer the 11 questions they have asked you.

4. Nominate 11 other people

5. Ask them 11 questions in return

Random fact – I once puked riding the Zipper at the fair and blamed it on the guy I was riding with. The ride operator said he would be crying too if he was covered with onion rings and red Slushie.

1. Long hair or short hair, on people. – So many ways to be interpreted. I will go with long hair. Especially on guys. On every part of their bodies. Yeah, you read that right. That way every woman is so repulsed by their back and ass hair my perfectly trimmed up body looks unbelievably hot.

2. Which would you rather do, walk 10 miles or be forced to run 100 yards – both as fast as you could for that pace. – Personally I see this as being forced to walk ten miles. Not really much of a choice here. Due to my bionic leg I would fist fuck that hundred yard dash, I mean, as fast as I can I guess

3. If you found out that your role model was actually the opposite of what you looked up to, how would you react? – I guess it depends on whether or not I got to meet said person face to face. If I met them and they were a total douche canoe the only recourse any of us has is to remind them its their responsibilty to inspire the masses. Then I would stick the biggest,deadest, stankest piece of roadkill I could find somewhere around the air intake under their vehicles hood on the hottest day of the year.

4. Writing by hand in a crowded park, or writing all alone on a computer with no one around, why? – Definitely at home alone. I can’t really write in the park with no pants on like I am right now. I mean I can but I shouldn’t. Well, maybe not shouldn’t but it would be frowned on. Like masturbating on an airplane.

5. Desert Island – only 1 book to take with you, just 1.  Why did you pick that one? War and Peace. No way I am wiping my ass with coconut leaves for the foreseeable future and should I happen to find something else softer to wipe with I will amuse myself for hours making paper airplanes.

6. If you were faced with 1 movie monster/bad guy/villain, which would you want to fight and why that one? (be specific, no generic answers like zombies or vampires.  I’m looking for Lestat, or the actual Wolfman) Police Chief Martin Brody from ” Jaws”. I mean really, if they had to go that far out to sea to kill the shark was he really that big of a problem. What? The shark was the bad guy? Fuck this. Done with this question.

7. What would you want the conversation to revolve around if you could sit down and talk to Jesus.- Not gonna lie. I struggled with this one. Let’s go with the notion that Jesus has come back, the Rapture has happened and I am left back on Earth. I would ask him if since we were both left out of Heaven if he wanted a Jaeger bomb and which of the Dahm triplets he wants to tag team first.

8. Who should Cap’n Reynolds truly be with – Zoe, Kaylee, Inara, Saffron, or just stay alone and be bad-ass? – The Serenity was his ship for Pete’s pepper, he should have been hammering all of them. Put out or get out bitches.

9. Les Stroud or Bear Grylls. – I saw Les Stroud eat a dead salmon that had been left on the banks of a river for a few days so I am going with Bear. I figure there is less a chance I will wake up with someone delicately trying to fillet pieces of my ass cheeks off in the middle of the night.

10. Personal choice for the event that will end civilization?  Basically, how do you want the apocalypse to start?  (Virus, meteor, etc) – Zombie apocalypse. Why you ask? Simple. Survival of the fittest. I don’t have to outrun the zombies, I just have to out run the guy I just saw coming out of McDonalds with nine happy meals and no kids in his car.

11. Killing people just became legal, but only for those labelled huntable material,  Which 3 celebrities would you want to be labelled as such and why? – All three Kardashian sisters. I mean what have they really done to even be considered celebrities? So you fuck a bunch of mediocre rappers and basketball players and instantly you are famous? I somehow don’t think so. It just means your giant clam needs a monster black dick to fill it.

My nominees for this prestigious award –

Emilie Rouge – This art just speaks to me and I am hoping if I ask nicely one of these pieces will find its way into my collection.

Snazzyyrabbani – Shes new but I really loved her photography

Hooray for Skanks – The title caught my attention because who doesn’t love skanks, but the humor kept me laughing for hours

Following Funny – Cause I love anyone’s embarassing stories as much as my own

My Husbands Sex Toy – The image she has up is the first image I have seen on this entire site that made me say ” Holy shit”.

Secret Release – Some really great advice here of an adult nature

Daydreams of a Farm Girl – Well written filth here, hopefully tons more to come

Moorefredena – Cause they showed me some love and I always pay what I owe

Nymphotemptress – The single line of  “Come back to mine. I’ve got coke, skunk and Viagra.” made me giggle

Sexadelphia – The concept of having sex with a handicapped pathological liar is too funny to pass up

Claire Undone – Cause I know how tough the paleo diet is and support her efforts.

And now my questions for the fine bloggers I have nominated

1. What was the worst thing you ever got into trouble for as a child?

2. If you could marry a cartoon character who would it be?

3. If you were and alcoholic drink, what would you be and why?

4. Do you think blind people actually see things in their dreams?

5. If people point to their wrist to ask for the time, why do people get mad when you point to your crotch indicating you want a hand job?

6. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

7. What’s the longest you have ever gone without taking a bath or shower?

8. Have you ever farted during sex?

9. If you were caught peeing in public what excuse would you use?

10. Would you rather only be hit on by ridiculously unattractive people or only people of the same-sex?

11. Would you eat chocolate pudding that tasted like shit or shit that tasted like chocolate pudding?

I await your answers with much glee. Enjoy. Good luck.

The Moby Dick Story

In the majority of my posts at this point I have talked about the weather being the worst thing that we endure at work and for the most part it is. The cold sucks but at least you can wear enough layers to make it bearable but there is no escaping the heat.

Or so I thought.

It was the kind of day where the instant the sun crested the horizon, the heat started. The air literally stagnated in your lungs as you inhaled. We had been starting our days earlier to beat the worst of the heat and I knew it was going to be a ” Start early, home early” kind of day.  The entire team was wilting in the heat as we stood in the drive way before we even left for the day.  Armed with several coolers full of water and ice we headed reluctantly out to the job site.

The only saving grace we had on the project was its location. Nestled in between two stands of trees and basically right on the water, the breeze was enough to push some of the humidity away. It was one of those days that we basically exited the trucks and stripped right there in the driveway. Down to basically just pants or shorts and boots we got to work.

I always joke about our job being hotter than anything else because we are closer to the sun but on this day it felt like we were standing on the surface of the sun. You couldn’t take fluids in fast enough to replace the buckets of sweat pouring out of us.  All of us looked like freshly glazed donuts.

By noon that day, the temperature and humidity had made it dangerous to even be outside let alone be doing any form of physical labor. I had to make the decision to close in what we had been working on before someone got seriously sick or even worse had heat stroke on the roof and took a tumble off. Working as quickly as we could, we cleaned up the job site and packed away our gear.

I explained to the homeowner what was happening and that we would be back the next day to finish. With an understanding and motherly nod of her head, the lady of the house shooed us off towards the trucks with her best wishes.

” Every body ready?” I asked , looking over my half melted team. It’s always disheartening to watch guys that in the morning were ready and raring to go seem so defeated and deflated. I noticed we were missing a guy and told the team to go find him assuming he was off peeing in the bushes or something. After a few minutes of searching we simply couldn’t find him. That’s when we heard splashing from the river.

I walked casually down towards the river and the splashing got louder. The closer I got the more I noticed waves lapping at the dock that could only be made by something large flopping in the water. Then I saw a large white shape surface and then quickly flash back under the water.

” What the fuck?” I thought and I stepped closer as the blindingly white object bobbed up and down in the water.

Now here’s a little piece of construction worker knowledge that you might not think a whole lot about. In the summer we wear very little clothing but we are generally covered up from the waist down giving us an incredible tan…… from the waist up. As our lower halves don’t see sun the are generally white. Blindingly white. Like we are wearing white pants white. What I was seeing in the water bobbing to the surface every so often was one of my employees very white, very naked ass cheeks.

There in the water right in front of me was a very naked, half brown, half white contractor frolicking in the water. What else was I to do? I hid behind a tree and threw nails at him. Every time his white ass bobbed to the surface I would fire a nail at it as hard as I possibly could. His hairy, white cheeks would breach the surface and like Ahab I would stab at it. From hell’s heart I stab at thee.

” Everything ok?” I heard from over my shoulder. I turned slightly and saw the female homeowner walking towards me. She noticed the small pile of clothes and gave me a questioning look.

” Perfectly fine,” I answered ” Just doing a little fishing.”