Dear Jack,
It’s been a while since we have had some time together.
I know you have been busy lately what with the running a business, training for the Spartan Race in June, organizing the local softball organization, getting your booth organized for the home show, hiring new employees including the first girl who will have ever worked for you and trying to keep your junk covered up but I will be honest…… I miss you.
Remember all the good times we had?
The long winter days and late summer nights regaling people with our tales of puking, pooping and penising?
Those were some of the best times of my life.
I know its only been a few days but I feel like we are drifting apart.
You have to understand, I literally can’t live without you.
I am not asking for much. Maybe even a few words a day? A new picture or two a few times a week?
All I ask is you not resort to using me to post ridiculous memes or pictures you stole from the Chive just for a couple chuckles. That cheapens us both and just shows what kind of attention whore you can be.
I will be waiting here for you whenever you have a moment to spare. Even if it means I have to share you with your fiction blog.
Love always,
The Things I See Up Here
Dear Blog,
Let’s be honest. We’ve been having issues for a long time.
We have been together for just over a year and the good times have been truly great but you can really be a drain on what little spare time I actually have.
Yes, I am exceptionally busy and spend the entire weekend at the home show for business pressing flesh with an arena full of senior citizens that had the odor of a diaper full of moth balls but that is the unfortunate price you pay for being self-employed.
I know I havent spent much time with you lately and my workaholic habits bother you but lets look at some of your more annoying tendencies.
You think Jaws 2 was better than Jaws.
You pronounce it “cousint” not cousin.
You use air quotes when talking about the moon landing.
You know all the words to “Rio” by Duran Duran.
Must you tell everyone you meet about the Dildo Factory?
Your favorite actor is Kirk Cameron.
You rode the plastic car in the kids section of the funeral home at my grandmothers funeral and no it’s not okay because the car was black.
Two words – Leather Pants.
Yet for all your glaring faults, I still spend at least a few minutes with you every day.
Even if it’s just to see what your friends are up to.
Even when I am dead tired from a ten-hour work day because they are calling for four straight days of rain followed by a six kilometer run on a swampy island then sifting through resumes to find new employees and coming to the conclusion that the best one is a ninety pound girl with a neck tattoo.
So even though my time with you is limited please know that it’s usually the only time of the day I can truly be myself.
Your writer,
Jack
The Things I See Up Here 