The Fastest Man Alive Story

“I am so horny, I am gonna jerk off at least twice as soon as I get home.”

Dead silence filled the truck. I think even the radio paused into dead air for a couple of seconds. The statement hung out there like a rank fart. No one wanted to acknowledge it but it wasnt going away.  In a truck full of five sweaty, long day tired contractors it was tense few moments.

” The first one will be quick and then I can take my time with the second one.”

It just continued to get worse. I slid my glasses up my forehead and rubbed my eyes with my fingers. Its only natural that over the course of working a few seasons together coupled with spending time away from work as a group that certain levels of decorum would no longer exist. In short, I could tell you with some degree of certainty how often most of my employees masturbated. Someone had to say something and I knew it was going to have to be me.

” Ummm Chris,” I started ” Are you sure you are going to have enough time for that?”

” I will make time for it,” Chris countered ” Make time for it every day.”

” Well, thanks for that information,” I said with a sigh. I had only had Chris working for us for a short time at that point but his proudest achievement was the number of times he could crank one out in any given week but as time went on he began to regale us with tales of his speed at accomplishing the task.

” I am so good at it at this point I can likely finish in less than sixty beats,” Chris continued.

” That’s not possible,” I countered with a laugh. At this point I thought he was just trying for a laugh but the look on his face told me he was dead serious.

My brother, Matt, with whom masturbation was an incredibly serious subject, shot Chris a look of disdain.

” Under sixty? Fuck that, I can get it out in thirty strokes tops,” Matt said with as snide a tone as possible. We had just pulled into the shop and we all piled out of the truck and I could see Chris shaking his head.

” No way,” Chris muttered” There’s just no way.”

” Fuck yeah,” Matt sneered.

” I got that beat,” Chris shot back over his shoulder as he ran for his car. I actually think he had his pants undone on the way there and am even more certain he had his pants off or at least around his ankles as he sped off down the road. I walked over to Matt who was unloading gear from the back of the truck.

” That’s impressive. Thirty?” I asked him with a half-smile and a raised eyebrow. I grabbed the last of our tools from the truck and saw him standing with a big, dopey grin on his face.

” Fucked if I know,but he will likely tear his own dick off trying,” Matt answered.

The next morning rolled around and as the team began to show up, I noticed Chris half hobbling up the sidewalk. I chuckled to myself as he seemed to be adjusting and readjusting his groin with every other step. At one point I think he actually stopped to catch his breath. Matt sidled up beside me and joined in my laughter.

” The fuck’s wrong with you ,” Matt called down the road in his effort to get everyone else to look at Chris.

” I think I overdid it last night,” Chris breathed. Obviously we all knew what he was talking about. The only question was, how had he made out?

Oh come on. It’s a story about masturbation. You are just as curious at this point as we were too.

” Well, there was no way I could get finished in thirty strokes so I simply went for the fastest time possible,” Chris started ” So I think I got it definitely down to under a minute. My hands were flying so fast I lost count of how many beats it took.”

” That’s really not something you should be proud of,” I replied dryly. My thoughts went out to all the unfortunate girls who would have the misfortune to sleep with a guy whose proudest moment was the fact he could blast out a load by hand in under a minute.

” How many tries did it take you to figure that out?” Matt asked from beside me.

” I tried to beat thirty last night a bunch of times but couldn’t seem to finish fast enough so that’s when I decided to just go for time,” Chris answered ” Just broke the one minute mark right before I got out of the car. Sorry if I was late getting here.”

The Love Truck Story

One of the biggest detriments to owning a truck is that anyone who doesn’t own one will constantly feel the need to borrow it. It’s always something fairly mundane like moving their sister-in-law or pulling a trailer to the dump but at this point there are times I wonder if my truck will even be in the driveway when I get home.

A couple of years ago both my brothers decided to race four wheelers competitively which meant my truck was travelling to the middle of nowhere most weekend from spring to fall.  It’s not like it’s the cleanest vehicle to begin with and the weekend travel simply added to the piles of Tim Horton’s coffee cups and wrappers that accumulated in every nook and crannie of the seats.

I had purchased a portable DVD player for my kids and it had made its way into my truck for a trip we had taken. As I basically live in my truck, it was still in there when my brothers asked if they could borrow my truck to travel quite a distance up north for a race weekend.

” Look, I just bought the damn thing, ” I started as Dart and Matt smiled gleefully when they noticed it strapped to the seat backs.

” It will be just fine,” Dart countered ” It will actually be nice to be able to watch a movie at night .”

I had reservations but it seemed like they would be fairly bored hanging out all weekend so I just shook my head and walked away. Shortly there after , they left for parts unknown and I stared wistfully after my truck not knowing if I would ever see her again.

The weekend passed uneventfully and late Sunday night I watched with a half-smile as my truck pulled into the driveway. She was dirty inside and out but she seemed to be in relatively the same shape she was when she left.

” Decent weekend?,” I asked as I gave my truck a once over, walk around inspection.

” Really good,” Dart answered. He had the road weary look of not enough sleep and too many hours on the road.

” Slept like a baby,” Matt chimed in ” Backseat in here is pretty comfy.”

” You slept in the truck? All weekend?,” I asked puzzled. I was under the impression that they had at least taken tents with them.  Having never slept in my truck and Matt and I being of very similar size I wasnt sure how he even laid in it curled up.

“He spent every second he could with that DVD player in there,” Dart laughed.

“Seems like a waste of a weekend to spend it in the truck,” I commented as I noticed a smile gradually spreading across Darts face. With a snicker he started pulling his gear bags out of the back of the truck.  That was when I noticed the small case Matt was clutching and trying in vain to stuff into the lower pocket of the cargo shorts he was wearing.

It dawned on me instantly what he was hiding or at least trying to hide.  I am far from a prude but knew exactly where this was headed.

” Is that entire case full of porn?”, I asked with the timbre of my voice rising slightly.  His instantly reddening face and the way he looked slightly away from me confirmed it without him having to say anything.

” Oh, you didn’t….,” I stammered as I looked at my clearly defiled truck.

” Yeah,” Matt answered with a laugh” But only a couple times”.

” A couple?,” I heard Dart call out over the back of the truck.

” Well, maybe more than a couple,” Matt continued.

” Holy fuck!,” I exclaimed ” HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU JERK OFF IN MY TRUCK?”.

” I think like… five, no, wait, six,” Matt offered.

” Please tell me you at least cleaned up after yourself?,” I asked. He nodded furiously.

” Well, I didnt really want to get any on me as that would have been hard to explain so I just let it fly and cleaned up after,” Matt replied gesturing towards the back of my truck.

” YOU BLEW JIZZ ALL OVER MY BACKSEAT!!! MY FUCKIN KIDS SIT BACK THERE!!,” I roared at him, instantly furious. I wasnt sure what I was more mad about. The fact he splashed semen all over my truck or the fact that I as the truck owner hadn’t even had sex in the damn thing let alone anything else.

” I made sure I got it all,” he said trying to be dismissive, ” Even the load that went up the back of your seat.”

” How the fuck did you launch one out on the back of the seat?'” I questioned.

” Well, the battery started to die in the DVD player so I stood up to plug it into the power supply and well it’s not like I was going to stop what I was dong,” Matt countered.

In that instant I saw it all. My brother , bare assed in the back of my truck with one hand on his dick bent over the front seat still pounding away as he tried with the other hand to reach the cigarette lighter to plug-in the power cord. I lost it. I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t catch my breath.

” I may have got some in the cup holder too but it’s so dirty back there I couldn’t really be sure,” Matt said trying to change the course of the conversation. I was practically rolling on the ground at this point.

” I will pay to have it cleaned,” He offered by way of apology.

” Cleaned?,” I replied,” I want you take it to the clinic for an STD check.”