Punxsutawney Phil and the Global Warming Conspiracy

APTOPIX Groundhog Day

I am an animal lover by nature and appreciate the culture of Groundhog day but I have decided that every one of the miserable little bastards must die.

Six more weeks of winter? I would rather not.

The Germans used to believe that on Feb. 2, the Christian holiday of Candlemas — tell me you didn’t forget to pre-order your Candlemas roast? — any hibernating animal who saw his shadow could personally extend global winter for six months. Since this superstitution wasn’t already fucking insane enough, some kooks (or, more likely, savvy tourism boosters) in rural Pennsylvannia began dressing up in top hats, tuxedos and bow ties and calling themselves the Inner Circle. They declared that their groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, was the One True Weather Rodent, and that only they, the Inner Circle, could decipher his behavior, which happens to translate directly into rhyming verse, like this year’s forecast: “Many shadows do I see: six more weeks of winter it must be.”

Nice con. Its as big a scam as Global Warming.

groundhog 2

This morning, Punxsutawny Phil came out of his burrow on a unseasonably cold, sunny day, and predicted six more weeks of winter — but much of North America could have told you that already. Punxsutawny, like most of the United States, has been experiencing a freakishly cold winter,and yet people still believe the planet’s temperature is warming up. A record low  was set in Punxsutawny on Tuesday. Today, instead of the chilly, snowy 17-degree morning that was normal when the Bill Murray film was made in 1993, the crowd cheered on the groundhog at near record-setting cold temperatures.

Much of the country is experiencing a “Polar Vortex,” with thousands of daily record lows set in January. Even including Alaska — which has been seeing some record-cold temperatures as the Arctic climate grows more unstable — there were 19 more record-setting low temperatures as there were record highs in January. (Without global warming, one would expect about the same number of record highs as record lows.) Excluding Alaska, the lower 48 states saw 29 times as many record lows as record highs.

I might be in the minority but I hope Global Warming is real.

Imagine all the cavemen and woolly mammoths that are frozen in the ice that will be unthawed and be running around when the ice caps melt. Imagine if those cavemen are like Fred Flintstone. They could film the newest reality television hit that would rapidly eclipse “Duck Dynasty” as the most popular family in history. Captain Caveman trying to find his way in a modern world. The Wal-Mart line of clothes would be amazing.

In an important publication recently released, it states that an international research expedition to the Southern Ocean has confirmed that if it were left alone, the global climate would be naturally heading towards another ice age.

“We’re headed towards an ice age but our (man’s) presence here has delayed it but not for good”, stated Professor John Tarrance. Cores of marine sediment going back several hundred thousand years has confirmed that in the pattern of climatic fluctuations, we had passed the mid-point of an inter-glacial cycle and were now heading slowly towards a glacial period.”

Who really wants that?

I will tell you who. The groundhogs.

An entire industry and culture is built around the furry weather prognosticators. If an Ice Age is in our near future all of them will be out of jobs as people simply accept the fact that winter is never going to end. Punxsutawney would become a ghost town over night. Groundhogs will be free to run rampant over the country side and breed faster than teenagers in an Alabama trailer park. Soon they would cross over into inter species breeding creating a hybrid Groundhog/Grizzly Bear that would develop a taste for human flesh. That would quickly follow a break down of social systems as people locked themselves indoors to avoid the rampaging Grizzly Hogs. Families would soon resort to inbreeding to perpetuate the human race resulting in generations of deformed mutants with monstrous strength sent out to fight the Grizzly Hogs that have now developed wings to give them the tactical advantage of divebombing prey from above. The resulting nuclear conflict sparked by the Koreans blaming the Jews for everything would leave the world a grey,desolate husk where Mad Max style gangs driving vehicles powered by disconnected hamster brains would scour the lands for the last Twinkies.

So as the temperatures begin to plummet around the world you will likely find me roasting groundhogs over a burning pile of old MacDonald’s styrofoam containers. When people ask what I am doing I will just tell them I am fighting the end of the world.