Funny Blogger Fridays – Black Friday Edition

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Up here in the Great White North, our Thanksgiving was weeks ago but we are still inundated with American culture. By the time you’ve eaten turkey, lied to your family about how things are going in your life, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, it’s Black Friday. Some choose to spend the day at home with their family, while others, more appropriately, rush out to save money on products that they’ll spend way more time with than

No one knows the origin of the term “Black Friday.” Historians say that it dates back to the age of the dinosaurs when a meteor darkened the sky on a Friday while the dinosaurs were shopping. Real historians say that the term has a definite origin, and that I made the whole dinosaur thing up but these are also the people who say there actually was a moon landing and the Loch Ness Monster isn’t real.

According to websites that show up on the first page of Google because let’s be honest, no one ever looks any further than that, since the day after Thanksgiving has long been crowded with shoppers and traffic jams, the Philadelphia police began referring to the troublesome day as Black Friday, and it soon caught on. Word has it that the Philadelphia police also came up with Movember, March Madness and Ruby Tuesday. It appears they are very good at branding.

Before you bring up this historical anecdote every Thanksgiving in an effort to sound intelligent in front of your younger brother’s new girlfriend that has been sneaking a hand up your leg at the table during dinner , know that the online historians at Wikipedia also link the term to age-old accounting practices. Apparently, accounting firms used to commonly use red ink to indicate negative amounts and black ink to indicate positive amounts (that’s the system that I use when recording my weight). Because many of these businesses depended on the day after Thanksgiving to compensate for losses in previous quarters, the black ink came to represent the massive profits seen on that day . At least that’s what retired accountants tell their disinterested grandchildren.

For years now, stores have been trying to extend this period of crazed shopping by opening earlier and earlier after Thanksgiving. First they went to 6 a.m., then 4 a.m., then 12 a.m., until stores began opening the night before and causing family members to take their turkey to-go while they shopped for televisions or dildos or whatever it is that people buy.

As is traditional, every Black Friday includes media imagery of crowds rushing through stores, trampling the fallen, and fighting over savings on microwaves and televisions, as well as microwaves with televisions on them. Maybe you think that it’s silly to elbow a mother of three in the vagina to beat her to that rack of iphones, but that’s just because you don’t love your kids enough to do so. Sometimes, to get our loved ones presents, we have to be prepared to mow down strangers with our carts and quietly suffocate someone with a plastic shopping bag because they got the last Tickle Me Elmo with real hugging action and vibrating “belly button” for Mommy’s special alone time.

Why wouldn’t a person kill for savings? That Playstation 4 that you wanted the day it came out but were too lazy to work harder to afford finally comes down in price. If you don’t clothesline an elderly person to get to it, what was it all worth? Before you answer that, have you seen how sharp the graphics are? You can actually count the pimples of the hookers asses after you finish beating them senseless and stealing their money in Grand Theft Auto 5.

I say that we celebrate the primal violence of the day. As a civilization, we rarely hunt our own food or feel the need to run, and most of us wouldn’t know what to hunt or how to gather. People often live safe and comfortable existences without any fear, never having to put their lives on the line. Sure, that may be a good thing, but if machete-ing your way through a crowd to save 50 percent on a box set of Jason Statham movies is the only way to reconnect to our animal natures, then so be it. You’ll truly appreciate the feeling, even when a middle-aged woman is stepping on your unconscious face to get at that Tickle Me Elmo.

Speaking of chaos and violence, be sure to check out the musings of my Mother FBF’ers

  Art of Pouring My Art Out

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

After you check them out be sure to head on over to Amazon and pick up your copy of my book

Cougars, Cookies and Construction

Yes, I know that’s schilling but it is Black Friday after all…..

 

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

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I love the holidays as it gives me a chance to give back to the people who have given me so much during the past year.

You, my faithful readers, have seen quite the year and what better way to celebrate it than by giving you the chance to win, yes I said win, the first ever officially licensed product from the brand new Things I See Up Here line of products. All you have to do is help me name it.

That’s right all you have to do is help me name my first ever fully endorsed product and you can win the prototype.

The lucky reader who comes up with the best name for the product I have created will have the product forever be known by the name they have chosen and win one of their very own to use and abuse as they see fit. This product is so revolutionary you will think that I have suffered brain damage. That may possibly be from the truck accident that I was in a month ago but it didn’t stop me from creating a product so fantastic if I were to take it on Dragon’s Den money and underwear would be thrown at me in equal volume.

The time has come to unveil a product that will change lives around the world……..

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From the brilliant brain that resides inside my demented skull I present the strap-on tool apron.

Its marvelous features include six different pockets to fill with lube, condoms and snacks for those during sex moments that you really want a peanut butter Snickers. Its belt is completely adjustable to fit all waist sizes and shapes. Its dildo hole can be resized to fit the thickest fake penis and its one hundred percent leather construction can take even the most ardent pounding.

Best of all, it comes complete with the very last factory rejected dildo that I have procured from the legendary Dildo Factory. You can own a piece of Things I See Up Here history by simply helping me come up with a name to market my new patent pending product.

In the comment section below please leave your most creative names and our panel of experts will select a winner.

The contest runs from Christmas Eve until the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve. A winner will be selected on January first as I kick off the second year of making people laugh with dick and fart stories. The winner will receive the dildo apron and an official cleaning towel to wipe down your…….tools mailed right to their front door.

Contest open to anyone worldwide as I really like the idea of my…..tools ending up in someone in the land down under.

Merry Christmas everyone and good luck.