Like all great franchises, destiny often brings them together. Godzilla versus King Kong, Freddy versus Jason, my tight white Adidas shorts versus the Tower of Power burger at the Patty Shack eventually two great things will meet and create a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of perfection.
The ridiculously talented and funny author of Ah dad…. and the sexy as fuck yet still informative Political Vagina have conspired together to bestow upon me the honor of another Liebster Award.
I am going to take a second here and editorialize briefly on a trend I have noticed. I have read a few posts from bloggers who whine and kick their feet about receiving the accolades of their fellow bloggers. Currently there are over five hundred thousand blogs either created through or linked through WordPress ( the finest blogging tool on the entire internet, wink wink,nudge nudge, please put me on the Freshly Pressed page cause I have written my ass off the last little while and I have been saving a very special blog post for the day it happens) and I have seen a few instances when bloggers have turned down awards and recognition from their fellow bloggers.
While I respect their decision to do so, I also believe its respectful of the people who have chosen you above how many others to recognize. Add in the fact I am an egomaniacal attention whore of the highest order ( explains why I want on Freshly Pressed that bad) and I simply can’t turn them down. The award I am truly after is this one anyway –
But somehow based on the appearance of the blogger in the award, I don’t think I qualify.
So I am going to do something completely unheard of and accept both awards at once and answer not eleven but twenty-two questions posed at me by both bloggers and then ask eleven of my own.
Get ready, its gonna be an epic shit storm of literary verbosity
So the rules of accepting this honor are as follows –
When you get a Liebster Award nomination, you can choose to accept it by doing these things:
1. Share 11 facts about yourself.
2. Answer 11 questions posed by your nominator
3. Nominate 11 bloggers and pose the same 11 questions to them.
Anyone who has read my blog for a while basically already knows everything about me so the eleven facts I have decided to share eleven new words you can all add to your vocabulary and use in everyday life
1. After dropping a massive crunch derived from too much Taco Bell, spraying the bathroom with an entire bottle of Febreeze does not clear up the odor , it simply creates a new smell called ” Shitrus”.
2. People that hang around you unnecessarily , like just hovering around the outside of your vision shall henceforth be known as ” Twatacopters”.
3. We all have ideas that seem like a great thing at first. Like that girl you met at the bar that thinks your name is “Ryan” or a blowjob from someone with no teeth. These things can all be defined as ” Sluttastic”.
4. In every porno ever made there is one girl with a vagina that looks like a pterodactyl trying to lay an egg but the bird reference is over done so I have decided to call it a ” canoe full of moose meat”.
5. I have also invented a new game called ” Cockaboo”. It basically involves dropping your pants and exposing your junk to someone as they enter a room but you must yell ” COCKABOO!!!!” as they enter.
6. Anyone who has ever had to poop really bad and couldn’t just say it when someone asks whats wrong now can make a hand gesture called the ” awkward turtle” which is basically your hands stacked on top of each other and curling your thumbs up like a turtle poking its head out thus signifying to the person asking that you actually have something poking out. And it ain’t a turtle.
7. As most smells are directed in through the nose and out through the ass, hence forth it shall be known as someones ” flavor hole”
8. Sometimes you don’t know if you want sex or a snack. This leaves you in a state known as ” horngry”. My advice is have the sex then suck back a Mars bar. The chocolate isn’t going anywhere.
9. This ones not one I came up with but its a new favorite. ” Heteroflexible” is a new word basically meaning that you’re straight…….but shit happens.
10. Working with a team of guys actually creates something called a “fartnado”. That’s a condition when everybody farts in sequence producing a swirling mass of synergistic stench. It’s also created when more than three girls go to the bathroom at the same time. Yes girls, we all now you shit. Deal with it.
11. Going “commando” covers a lot of ground for both sexes but isn’t really classy. Guys use ” free balling”, girls you may now feel free to say you are ” free lipping”.
So the questions I have been posed by Ah….Dad are as follows –
1. Where do you live? Be specific. (Stalker in training) – I live in a small town between Toronto and Kingston in Southern Ontario, Canada. Stop at the On the Run and ask them about the guy who got pulled over by the cops for losing a trailer load of roof insulation and then tried to convince them it wasn’t an industrial product but was instead mattresses for the military base. They will likely laugh and give you my business card.
2. I-pad or Samsung Tablet? – Neither. When the machines rise up against us they will start with my Iphone and every Ipad on the planet showing nothing but cat memes to drive us all mad with rage until we start killing each other just for something new to look at.
3. Who is your favourite author? Stephanie Meyer. Yeah, that’s right. The Twilight author. She is the benchmark for all completely untalented authors who can appeal to the pre ” Fifty Shades” market of repressed soccer moms looking for something to masturbate to. If only we could all be so lucky.
4. What is the last album you bought? Motley Crue – ” Saints of Los Angeles”. Proof that the entire grunge era of music was forced on all of us.
5. What is the worst song ever recorded? ” Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears. I can’t seem to get that song out of my brain and the next thing I know, I find myself trying to convince my team of guys that we really could pull off the choreography in the school gym if we had the balls to break in.
6. No hair or grey hair? I am completely and totally bald. Make of that what you will.
7. If you could fly like Peter Pan with pixie dust, what would your happy thought be? My happy thought would be the fact that pixie dust looks exactly like stripper dust.
8. Have you ever been in a fight/brawl in a public place? Does arguing with a homeless woman over which of us could get paid more for sex with a bus load of Asian tourists count? Then yes, definitely.
9. Why do you write? I write because if I kept all of this stuff bottled up inside me I actually think my head would blow off……… and to hopefully get noticed and eventually get paid for this shit. Oh fuck off, you all were thinking the same thing.
10. You are stuck alone on an Island, and while exploring you find a wooden house. Who would you like to see opening the door? There is only one answer to this question. My dad. He’s been gone eight years and I just want to see the look on his face when I tell him he was right about pretty much everything. What? You expected nothing but comedy? I do have a soul.
11. You have enough money to create an authentic costume, and you have the body to pull of anything. Which character/thing would you choose to dress up as, for your next Halloween party? Chewbacca. That way when I say things like ” Your girlfriend felt my fuzzy balls by the crab dip” people will have no idea what I am saying and I can just laugh and laugh.
Now, the questions from Political Vagina
1. What musical artist are you listening to these days? Skid Row’s new album ” Kings of Demolition”. I cannot recommend it any higher if you want to feel like you are a fourteen year old boy. I said feel like not feel a fourteen year old boy. Sinners.
2. If you could be any animal, what would you be? Why? Butterfly. Nobody ever suspects the butterfly…….
3. If you had a time machine, what time period would you go to? Turn of the century North America where I could change the future by introducing the world to velcro and vibrators.
4. Favorite Food? Sushi. It’s the only food that has the consistency of vagina.
5. If $$ were no object, where would you travel on your next vacation? Uranus. Just for all the wicked puns I could drop when I got back. ” Hey Jack, how was the trip?” ” Pretty shitty, I spent the entire weekend buried up to my neck in Uranus.”
6. How do you like your eggs? – Ovarian. Give it a minute. You’ll get it.
7. Favorite Reality TV Show? Maury Povich. The real life drama of finding out that Deshawn was the father of Loquisha’s six child had me glued to the television. ” Bitch, I fuckin told you I ain’t yo baby daddy!!!!!”. Riveting.
8. What was your very first job? Cutting asparagus on the farm just up the road from where I grew up. I think they use it as punishment for shoplifting now.
9. What book is on your nightstand right now? Peter Brett’s ” The Daylight War”. An honor to meet the man and pick his brain about writing pushed me away from writing horror and writing the stories about my penis you all seem to love. The stories, not the penis.
10. What’s your guilty pleasure? – Masturbating to senior citizen porn. I finish and then I just feel guilty about how disgusting I am.
11. At what age is your earliest memory? I guess I would have to say I would have been about three years old standing on the front seat of my dad’s truck making the tire squealing noise every time we went around a corner. Wait. What the fuck was I doing standing on the seat?
Now, I have some questions of the lucky few I have selected for this extra special double long award-winning post –
1. Would rather wake up naked and sore with no memory next to the Burger King telling you ” you had it your way” or next to Ronald McDonald telling you ” you’re loving it”?
2. Would you rather have sandpaper hands or no genitals?
3. Would you rather wear someone else’s dirty underwear or use someone else’s toothbrush?
4. Would you rather be sexually attracted to fruit or have Cheetos dust permanently stuck to your fingers?
5. Would you rather wear have to wear adult diapers for one year or have any computer you touch over the next two months crash?
6. Would you accept a life as a successful artist making 4 times your current annual pay if it meant that your art was considered offensive by one of the worlds major religions making you unwelcome in many countries and attracting unwelcome, often hostile, attention from people in your own county?
7. Would you rather be riding coach on a trans-continental flight caught between a fighting couple or have a bee sting you on the face?
8. Would you rather vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code or during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?
9. Would you rather have the ability to know when someone is lying to you (only works if that person is talking to you directly, and you only know that he’s lying – you don’t know the exact truth) OR have the ability to know anyone’s sexual preferences and deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, as long as this person is in your line of sight?
10. Would you rather sing everything you say or only be able to speak in rhymes?
11. Would you rather eat a chocolate egg full of mayonnaise or lick a lollipop with a hair on it?
I pose these questions to my lucky Liebster Nominees
Impossible to Predict
The White Onion
It’s Not My Fault
Yeah, I know that’s only seven blogs but I really don’t want to subject that many bloggers to the hell that is my sense of humor. Find and follow these blogs if you aren’t already.
Well, that was a marathon and one I might not run again but I am glad I did. I love the attention so keep it coming. Anybody looking to drop an award on someone, send that fucker this way. I am more than happy to put it upon the shelf in a place of honor and then merciless fuck it like a prison gang rape.