The heat does really strange things to people. Especially early spring heat. Maybe its a combination of the stowing away of too longly worn winter clothes and the humming buzz of freshly hatched insects that remind me of a truck full of vibrators that smashed into a trailer full of batteries but the first warm rays if sunshine that hits after a long wait for them effects peoples brain chemistry.
It seemed like the last of the snow had just melted when the temperature began to steadily rise. Over the course of a handful of days, the heat and humidity had ramped up producing a mini heat wave that had us removing as much clothing as possible the instant we reached the job site. Not beyond the point of decency mind you but dry humping the line of good taste for sure. By the time we got to the job the humidity was already so intense the air was like trying to breath soup through a scarf.
The homeowners were a married couple who were both retired teachers. They were a cute older couple. Cute in the way puppy kisses and vagina farts are. They had the Norman Rockwell feel with him in a collared shirt and slacks and her in a sun dress with pearls. They were walking around the yard as we worked, holding hands and commenting on the heat and wondering how we were surviving let alone getting any work done. By the end of the first day, the entire team was already exhausted and drained from the constant oppressive heat and the volume of fluids we had lost and let dry on our skin like a dusty salt crust.
As we loaded up the truck that day, we stood beside the house downing bottles of water as fast as we could swallow them. We quickly realized that we would need at least twice as much as we had brought that day. Seeing us sweltering in the heat, the lady of the house made her way over and clucked her tongue in that way that only former teachers can when she realized we had rapidly ran out of any source of hydration. She told us not to worry about the next day as she would make sure we had more than enough water to keep us wet.
The next morning dawned impossibly hotter than the previous. You could almost feel the moisture rising from the ground and crawling over your skin like a horrible teenage kiss. You know the kind. Those kisses where you simply endeavored to get as much of your saliva in, on, or around the mouth and face of who ever you were kissing.
What? Was that just me? Huh. Guess that explains that grade nine to grade eleven dry spell. I always attributed it to my horribly bad mullet and teen Tom Selleck mustache.
As soon as we ascended the ladders and got to work, the entire team stood looking at each other as we watched a pile of shingles literally melt and fuse themselves together. We had to be mildly insane to even be attempting to work in this heat but the job had to get done. By the time the heat really began to intensify, the lady of the house appeared with a cooler full of ice and more bottles of water than you could count. We attacked the frigid liquid like a pack of hyenas and took much delight in spraying each other with handfuls of ice-cold water. As hot as it was, the water raised instant goosebumps on any patch of skin it touched.
It also served to let us know exactly how hot we really were so we decided to call our day to an early end. We persevered through the heat despite the heat coming off the shingles sizzling the skin on our hips and ass cheeks through our thick denim pants. We were dirty, sweaty and almost delirious from the heat as we stood in the driveway watching the rippling waves of heat shine off the surfaces we had just finished.
The lady of the house walked out from under the awning she had been shading herself under and walked towards us.
” It’s a little warm isn’t it?”, She asked as we packed away our gear.
” Yes,” I replied ” It really is just too hot to try to get much more done.”
” Well, I can cool you all off,” She said with a flirtatious look from behind her horn rim librarian glasses ” All of you line up and I will hose you off with the garden hose.”
I was stunned. I wasn’t sure if she was joking and my team looked nervously at me to see what my reaction would be.
” Honestly, I think the cold water will stop my heart,” I replied only to see her smile falter. I didn’t want to disappoint her and quite frankly I was being paid to be there I did the only thing I could. I tore off my shirt and took the hose from her. I then proceeded to wash the dirt and sweat from my body as she stepped back to watch. I mean this lady was so old that she was likely a student in Shakespeare’s drama class but that didn’t mean she was too old to want to see virile young men hosed down like a personal wet t-shirt contest. So I turned the hose towards my guys only to see them scramble away from the bitterly cold water.
I chased a few of them around much to her delight and even managed to get a couple of them with the hose before returning it to her. She laughed and clapped her hands a little as she wound up the hose. I mean to her,my whole team likely looked like this –
But in my mind we likely looked a bit more like this –
It’s rainin’ men. Hallelujah.