The Power of Sports

kid-faceplant-baseball

 

I have coached baseball for a lot of years at this point and yet it still never fails to amaze me at what can happen.

I have seen countless foul balls hit parked cars and seated testicles.

I have seen face plants and ass cheeks studded with gravel from a poorly executed slide into third base.

I have seen an entire team giving each other a Gatorade shower during the second to last inning of a game and then rolling in the red clay sand creating the world’s biggest “sugar cookies”.

I have seen parents losing their minds over a single dropped ball and rejoicing when a child gets hit by a pitch to load the bases.

I didn’t think much could surprise me.

Yet, I was completely unprepared to have a six-year-old girl who wore a skirt instead of her uniform stepping up to the plate, taking a practice swing then promptly dropping the bat and bolting as fast as she could across the field towards the Portapotty yelling –

“Play without me, I gotta poop!!!”

Proving yet again, that when you think you have seen it all, a kid shits their pants.

 

The It’s Raining Men Story

The heat does really strange things to people. Especially early spring heat. Maybe its a combination of the stowing away of too longly worn winter clothes and the humming buzz of freshly hatched insects that remind me of a truck full of vibrators that smashed into a trailer full of batteries but the first warm rays if sunshine that hits after a long wait for them effects peoples brain chemistry.

It seemed like the last of the snow had just melted when the temperature began to steadily rise. Over the course of a handful of days, the heat and humidity had ramped up producing a mini heat wave that had us removing as much clothing as possible the instant we reached the job site. Not beyond the point of decency mind you but dry humping the line of good taste for sure. By the time we got to the job the humidity was already so intense the air was like trying to breath soup through a scarf.

The homeowners were a married couple who were both retired teachers. They were a cute older couple. Cute in the way puppy kisses and vagina farts are. They had the Norman Rockwell feel with him in a collared shirt and slacks and her in a sun dress with pearls. They were walking around the yard as we worked, holding hands and commenting on the heat and wondering how we were surviving let alone getting any work done.  By the end of the first day, the entire team was already exhausted and drained from the constant oppressive heat and the volume of fluids we had lost and let dry on our skin like a dusty salt crust.

As we loaded up the truck that day, we stood beside the house downing bottles of water as fast as we could swallow them. We quickly realized that we would need at least twice as much as we had brought that day.  Seeing us sweltering in the heat, the lady of the house made her way over and clucked her tongue in that way that only former teachers can when she realized we had rapidly ran out of any source of hydration. She told us not to worry about the next day as she would make sure we had more than enough water to keep us wet.

The next morning dawned impossibly hotter than the previous.  You could almost feel the moisture rising from the ground and crawling over your skin like a horrible teenage kiss. You know the kind. Those kisses where you simply endeavored to get as much of your saliva in, on, or around the mouth and face of who ever you were kissing.

What? Was that just me? Huh. Guess that explains that grade nine to grade eleven dry spell. I always attributed it to my horribly bad mullet and teen Tom Selleck mustache.

As soon as we ascended the ladders and got to work, the entire team stood looking at each other as we watched a pile of shingles literally melt and fuse themselves together. We had to be mildly insane to even be attempting to work in this heat but the job had to get done. By the time the heat really began to intensify, the lady of the house appeared with a cooler full of ice and more bottles of water than you could count. We attacked the frigid liquid like a pack of hyenas and took much delight in spraying each other with handfuls of ice-cold water.  As hot as it was, the water raised instant goosebumps on any patch of skin it touched.

It also served to let us know exactly how hot we really were so we decided to call our day to an early end.  We persevered through the heat despite the heat coming off the shingles sizzling the skin on our hips and ass cheeks through our thick denim pants.  We were dirty, sweaty and almost delirious from the heat as we stood in the driveway watching the rippling waves of heat shine off the surfaces we had just finished.

The lady of the house walked out from under the awning she had been shading herself under and walked towards us.

” It’s a little warm isn’t it?”, She asked as we packed away our gear.

” Yes,” I replied ” It really is just too hot to try to get much more done.”

” Well, I can cool you all off,” She said with a flirtatious look from behind her horn rim librarian glasses ” All of you line up and I will hose you off with the garden hose.”

I was stunned. I wasn’t sure if she was joking and my team looked nervously at me to see what my reaction would be.

” Honestly, I think the cold water will stop my heart,” I replied only to see her smile falter. I didn’t want to disappoint her and quite frankly I was being paid to be there I did the only thing I could. I tore off my shirt and took the hose from her. I then proceeded to wash the dirt and sweat from my body as she stepped back to watch. I mean this lady was so old that she was likely a student in Shakespeare’s drama class but that didn’t mean she was too old to want to see virile young men hosed down like a personal wet t-shirt contest. So I turned the hose towards my guys only to see them scramble away from the bitterly cold water.

I chased a few of them around much to her delight and even managed to get a couple of them with the hose before returning it to her. She laughed and clapped her hands a little as she wound up the hose. I mean to her,my whole team likely looked like this –

man-enjoying-being-sprayed-by-a-garden-hose-outdoors

But in my mind we likely looked a bit more like this –

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It’s rainin’ men. Hallelujah.

Interlude – Smells

If you ever notice a pervading smell that seems to follow you around the gym during a workout it most definitely is the fact you haven’t washed your gym clothes in a few weeks added to the fact you never wear socks in your gym shoes or ever wash your gym shoes in conjunction with the fact the last time you wore your gym shorts it was taco night and you farted every time you did a rep at the squat rack then decided it was a good idea to give tanning a shot and locked yourself in a warm metal tube with a fan that blew air up towards your nostrils so every echoing ripple of gas wafts up over you and then gets baked onto your skin thanks to the million watt ultraviolet bulbs and despite the odor you stay locked in there cause dammit you paid to be in there only to find out some poor young girl has to sanitize that methane chamber you have created so you feel really bad and leave her a single dollar on the chair you sat your clothes on.

If you ever notice anything like that just do what I did.

Laugh your ass off as you buy more tanning minutes.

The Moby Dick Story

In the majority of my posts at this point I have talked about the weather being the worst thing that we endure at work and for the most part it is. The cold sucks but at least you can wear enough layers to make it bearable but there is no escaping the heat.

Or so I thought.

It was the kind of day where the instant the sun crested the horizon, the heat started. The air literally stagnated in your lungs as you inhaled. We had been starting our days earlier to beat the worst of the heat and I knew it was going to be a ” Start early, home early” kind of day.  The entire team was wilting in the heat as we stood in the drive way before we even left for the day.  Armed with several coolers full of water and ice we headed reluctantly out to the job site.

The only saving grace we had on the project was its location. Nestled in between two stands of trees and basically right on the water, the breeze was enough to push some of the humidity away. It was one of those days that we basically exited the trucks and stripped right there in the driveway. Down to basically just pants or shorts and boots we got to work.

I always joke about our job being hotter than anything else because we are closer to the sun but on this day it felt like we were standing on the surface of the sun. You couldn’t take fluids in fast enough to replace the buckets of sweat pouring out of us.  All of us looked like freshly glazed donuts.

By noon that day, the temperature and humidity had made it dangerous to even be outside let alone be doing any form of physical labor. I had to make the decision to close in what we had been working on before someone got seriously sick or even worse had heat stroke on the roof and took a tumble off. Working as quickly as we could, we cleaned up the job site and packed away our gear.

I explained to the homeowner what was happening and that we would be back the next day to finish. With an understanding and motherly nod of her head, the lady of the house shooed us off towards the trucks with her best wishes.

” Every body ready?” I asked , looking over my half melted team. It’s always disheartening to watch guys that in the morning were ready and raring to go seem so defeated and deflated. I noticed we were missing a guy and told the team to go find him assuming he was off peeing in the bushes or something. After a few minutes of searching we simply couldn’t find him. That’s when we heard splashing from the river.

I walked casually down towards the river and the splashing got louder. The closer I got the more I noticed waves lapping at the dock that could only be made by something large flopping in the water. Then I saw a large white shape surface and then quickly flash back under the water.

” What the fuck?” I thought and I stepped closer as the blindingly white object bobbed up and down in the water.

Now here’s a little piece of construction worker knowledge that you might not think a whole lot about. In the summer we wear very little clothing but we are generally covered up from the waist down giving us an incredible tan…… from the waist up. As our lower halves don’t see sun the are generally white. Blindingly white. Like we are wearing white pants white. What I was seeing in the water bobbing to the surface every so often was one of my employees very white, very naked ass cheeks.

There in the water right in front of me was a very naked, half brown, half white contractor frolicking in the water. What else was I to do? I hid behind a tree and threw nails at him. Every time his white ass bobbed to the surface I would fire a nail at it as hard as I possibly could. His hairy, white cheeks would breach the surface and like Ahab I would stab at it. From hell’s heart I stab at thee.

” Everything ok?” I heard from over my shoulder. I turned slightly and saw the female homeowner walking towards me. She noticed the small pile of clothes and gave me a questioning look.

” Perfectly fine,” I answered ” Just doing a little fishing.”